A year on.
12 months ago i was at Buddahfields festival, England, pretty much right now... the sounds of summertime england all around. The chattering of my friends around the fire side, the smell of the chai boiling under the tipi canvas in Pachamama's, The touch of my lovers hand and the heart ache of leaving. Every face i looked at was a face i was saying goodbye to. I was afraid, really afraid. Leaving everything i knew, everything i had spent years slowly building, community, friendships, a relationship... and a reputation as a performer and artist too... and leaving ... walking away from it... for what? why? for what reason? I didn't know. I asked myself, my lover asked me, my friends asked me... but i did not know... "To pick up a hug from my friend in japan and take it to another mutual friend in new zealand" was the reason i gave... but if course it ran deeper than that. Throughout the confusion and the fear and excitement and apprehension there was only two moments that i doubted what i was about to do...
Moment one was lying in bed not long before i left with my head upon Mikes chest, in a dream. We we trees. Tall ancient trees. We had been cut down and were on the back of a logging truck rushing along a road that was also a river. I felt this deep deep sensation of loss and pain and heart break...true immense heartbreak like i have never felt before... I awoke shaking and sobbing with these words in my head, stuck firm
"I am the heartwood of a tree; and i can not stop crying"
It felt as if they had been imprinted onto the back of my eyelids so every time i blinked that emotion of pure deep heartbreak and powerlessness filled me... I could see that if i were to leave i would be giving up my control of my life, i would be on a road of which i could not determine the end of... and it petrified me.
The second moment was when i got on the bus in Grenoble. I had been standing with mike, he cut a slice of his hair off for me and gave it to me..but my minds eyes was distracting me, afraid the bus would go with out me..of course it wouldn't... i was standing next to it...they never do go without me... but my heart couldn't deal with the goodbye... I got on the bus, sat in my chair and looked out the window and saw straight into mikes eyes, past his face and right into his heart... standing there strong giving nothing but love and support to me..and i broke. I literally felt my whole core had ripped open, I was leaving him, and risking this beautiful thing i had so often taken for granted... and I may never see him again. It dawned on me for the first time, i may never see him again. I jumped up to run out and embrace him, give him my all, tell him everything i had not said in my detachment but as i jumped over the seat next to me the bus driver shouted something at me in German and scowled blocking the doorway, they closed the doors and we were leaving. I cried. I cried for 24 hours. The whole way to Germany. I got out for a moment in Lyon... and this moment... this is the moment that could have changed the course of my life. I was about to get on a bus back to Grenoble... i was so afraid. I took a dice out of my purse, a dice James from Wello had given me... it has 6 faces like any normal dice.. but only two sides were marked, one with "left".... one with "right". "Left i go back, to safety, to Mike; Right i go on to Latvia, to the unknown" It didn't occur to me that 4 sides out of 6 were plain.. i might get no answer at all.... I rolled....
..."Right" ... i took a deep breath and continued on my trip.
If that dice has rolled the other way... i may not be here where i am right now... i may not have seen everything i have between UK and Thailand in the last year.
So here i sit, a year later, In Thailand, where i have been living now for 4 months on a small bay on Koh Phangan island. I have touched my feet upon 13 countries looked into the eyes of possibly millions of people since i jumped onto the truck in Bristol with Mike to hitch through France. I have traveled in trains, cars, trucks, buses, motorbikes, scooters, ships, ferries, longtail boats, rafts; I have walked, run, skipped, hitchhiked, danced and done cartwheels. Taken photos, drawn sketches, written songs and poems and played guitar to ancient gods and spirits in different lands. I've prayed at churches, shrines and temples and crossed too many time zones for me to remember. I have not taken one plane yet... and although i am open to taking a plane if i really feel to in the future... i feel no need to take one yet.
So for an update for those who care to know, the last 4 months. Living on this little bay, the Bay of Love, or Butterfly Bay as i call it (being that there is more species of butterfies here than i have ever seen) I have gone from squatting an abandoned bungalow on a land dispute to house sitting a jungle palace via being taken in by a beautiful family, run out by mafia, sleeping under the stars, in a cave, in dormatories, bungalow hopping my way around the bay. I've fallen in love, I've felt home sick, I've danced and danced and danced... infact i have discovered my dance helping with cacao dance ceremonies, running dance journeys and contanct dance jams as well as rising 4am to dance the sunrise numerous times. I've met people who will stay in my heart forever. A few snap shot memories from the last 4 months to give those of you who have not been to the bay before an idea of my life here though theres way too many to write them all down...
... The first that jumps to me is naked frolicking in the waves with Pink, JJ, Manya, Felix, Ludvig, Adam and the reflections of the stars late night after a Fantuzzi gig... Splashing, screaming, swimming, hugging and embracing the night...
... Sitting on the sands watching the silhouette of a longtail boat pass by as the sun rose with Marina...
... Dressing up at 80's yoga rockstars with EVERYONE for Sebastians birthday.
... Sitting on a rock on the ridge late at night playing music with JJ under the stars
... Walking through the Jungle with Lula, running from the mosquitos to the high view point and reveling in the joy of being so fucking high....on life
... Meeting my dad at the airport as he came to see me for my birthday, and feeling the tears roll down my cheeks as i hugged him.
... Watching Maya spin her hoola hoop as if it had always been part of her form.
... Swimming with the phosphorescence...
... Finding a spiral mandala of 99 butterfly wings and 4 butterflys upon my bed after a weekend away ...
... The storm, the dark damp torrential rain of the storm which penetrated our skins and left a melancholy in all our hearts and snuggling close at night as the rain came through the wall less house, the bars banged in the wind and the dampness settled on my sleeping skin... Sitting with beautiful women in the tea temple singing songs to pass the wetness away...
... The open mic, every thursday, Adam being the MC, Dan being the MC, Me and Megan being joint MC's and the endless heart warming and explosive tallent which seems to have graced in front of my eyes on that stage...
...spending hours with a baby gekko running around my body...
... Standing on stage with a group of open hearted and enthusiastic people and conducting a live improvised song right there on stage after having run a workshop in vocal expression...
oh my gosh i could go on, and on and on and on.... theres so many amazing memories and i shall not be able to put them all here without boring someone sooo i shall keep them in my heart and write them down as they come to me in my books as and when i feel to.
Bats fly into my house every night around my head, they poo on the floor and drop half eaten jungle fruits as i sleep. Gekko's beak box from hidden cracks. Snakes slither un noticed and noticed around the pathways and scorpions appear to remind me of how tender life is and how fragile i am.
I spend my days running creative workshops, freestyle mandala drawing, creative writing, vocal expression and body percussion, jewelry making and putting on films and fun events for the hundreds of people who pass in and out of here.
So here a year after leaving the uk, After facing my fear and jumping into the void and learning that the universe really is there to catch you in one way or another I have no idea where i will be in a years time. Following my original plans i would have arrived in australia 4 months ago, but instead i decided to be present and follow the flow of each day, not be afraid of running out of money (which i did do...and survived!), not be afraid of having no where to sleep (because i always had somewhere to sleep eventualy) not be afraid of being alone (because even the few times i WAS alone... it was only ever for my highest good and growth) and to just enjoy the Here...and the Now. Still i have my moments (usually in tune with my hormones) where i miss England, Wales, the whimsical, wholesome, brown earthy oak edged lands of Apples...and have no doubt i shall return one day...when and how? i dont know... But those lands; i know now, are deeply rooted in me, in every breath i breathe, every beat of my heart.
... Now i am watching a boat pull out of the bay full of people who've each spent about a week here and are leaving now with hearts over flowing with joy, i can see it in their smiles... i only hope each of you are also feeling that joy and pure ecstatic love in your heart for where you are (where ever that is) and if your not i beg of you please ... gift yourself that joy... even if it feels impossible, heartbreaking or scary... deep inside you know where your meant to be and what your meant to be doing... it could be as simple as decided to go for an afternoon walk, or as bizarre as building a bike and cycleing across england ... but if it gives you that joy, the deep inner glowing light which shoots up from your roots through your spine and over your head like sunshine when you think of being in that space... then do it...
... please.
