So ..china... here I am. I sit in a western owned cafe listening to Blues music while the sky between the concrete blocks is a warped yellow blue from the pollution in the air. China is already a bizzare world to me.
Leaving Manami feels like forever ago already. Obachan and Her took me to the bus station and I sat with Manami eating Advocado Sarnies waiting for the bus. Our goodbye was dusted with tears and we promised to see each other soon in Thai Land..or somewhere... I hope thats true. “im not good at goodbyes” she said as tears rolled down her cute japanese cheeks... a tear brimmed up in me and for some reason I pulled it back in as I smiled at her and I though “perhaps im too good at goobyes...or perhaps im so bad at them that I can not stay present in them” ... it reflected to me the goodbye 4 months ago to Mike in Grenobles in France..as he was declaring his love to me and saying goodbye my mind kept drifting to he bus and if it would go without me...and when I finally got on it and looked out the window I cracked....i cried and cried and ralised what I fool I was for not staying presant with him in those last few moments... but I see now its an automatic thing... maybe a way of protecting myself...or maybe a resault of being overly afraid of missing buses haha.
As I left Manami handed me a bag saying “dont open the little box until christmas day but the rest you can open on the bus” ..i thanked her and waved goodbye. Beautiful Evergiving and kind hearted Manami... I wish I have given more to her than I did. I know at times I became impatient with her when I shouldnt have just because spending hours and hours alone I got so used to just my own mind so interacting with a second one became difficult.... patience.. I must master the art of patience, especially with those who deserve it so much.
The bus was like a luxery jet or something, all the chares were serpeated with an aisle in between them and they went almost flat back into a bed. I had a curtain to block of the world, a blanket and pillow... luxury. We rolled away from Saitama into the night towards Kobe where I would spend one last night in Japan before getting on the boat to China. I held Manamis bag in my hands, I opened it and a smile spread through me. Snacks, Roiboss tea, sushi.. even organic chocolate...the perfect Bus Ride Hamper. Then wrapped in a green cloth was an extra gift, a beautiful card and my mystery christmas box. I untied the strong and opened the cloth...wow.... There in my hand was a palm sized Thumb Piano hand made by manami herself, hooked onto a yellow string with a Cowry Shell on the end... A little tear came out and I sent thanks back to Manami and Thought about my friend in Kyoto Id met 3 weeks earlier.
The night rolled by with music in my ears and my thumb piano hung round my neck.
The next morning I arrived in Kobe and went off to find my hostel. Kobe Dears Backpackers house, a friendly place run by a man from Leeds. Here I met a woman from Germany who was in Japan doing some research for a masters...or docterate..or some other high grade qualification that she was doing. Her subject was a particuarly interesting one to me. The Travel Journals of Female Japanese people from late 19th and early 20th century. What a great thing to study.
Kobe was a world of city with an area of european designed houses..like a euro-land full of tourists.
Heading to the Ship Port. I was doing it. It dawned on me that morning the immense journey I had already undertaken and its epic scale...and the immensity of it as it grows... This is the first time it has really hit me. Waiting to go through customs I met another Traveller by the name of Osugi (big tree) He too was traveling without an aeroplane and was planning to head down the chinese coast and get to Vietnam within the next month. I was the only Westerner on the whole ship unsuprisingly and there was only about 30 passangers on the boat. The Ship its self was a shoddy shaddow of its former glory. Parhaps 20 years ago it was a swishy new luxury crossing but now the once fashionble seats were covered with a remade seat cover hiding the decay, the walls, toilets and ceilings were edged with mould and grime and a strange smell hovered around the taps. However she was a sturdy vessel and crossed the seas well. During the second night the seas got a bit rougher and being prone to sea sickness I spent most of the evening and all night on my back holding in my need to pee and trying to sleep through the rocking. At meal times I got an interesting insight into 80's China through Karaoke videos played on a bad quality flat screen in the canteen. It had never occurred to me that china had had an 80's...let alone one as terrifically cheesy and over the top as that of America and the UK.... but there it was in all its 80s glory, perms, leather jackets and over the shoulder poses.... just in chinese. This was the highlight of my trip.
Finally amost 3 days after getting on the ship we ported in China... Osugi and I had been ship buddies and planned to get into Tienjin together before parting ways. Customs was problemless and as we exited the building we were pounced on by Taxi drivers insisting there was no bus and they would take up to tienjin central station. Of course we ignored them and after finding a Scruffy Japanese Traveller heading home we found out the route to the bus and how to get into town. The 2 hour bus ride was an experience in its self... “why..why china?!” I kept saying out loud as I watched the dirt caked landscape slip by. Osugi laughed and nodded in agreement. The traffic was irratic and the bus driver honked his horn every minute or so at some other irrational driver. Outside the window delapidated buildings peeked through the layers of pollution as old chinese women muttered about in head scarfs. In the distance the high rises of the swishy city centre came closer. China felt like Japan and India had hit each other at full speed and this was the aftermath. However as we crossed the border of suburbs and city centre the world shifted and suddenly KFC and TESCOs were on every corner. As we pulled into the bus station darkness had desended and we decided to get some food before going our sepperate ways. Here I had my first expereience of lonely planet phrase book “point at the phrase and let them read it” communication... bizzar but it worked and I got my vegetarian meal and tucked in. yummy.
When we got to the Taxi port (as I had no map of tienjin and just the Kanji of an address for Ryans house) I showed the man directing people to the Taxi's my address and he shoved it in the direction of someone else probably saying something along the lines of “what!? I cant read this!?” the lady traslated my scrawled chinese symbols over to him and suddenly I was being piled into a taxi without a moment to say thank ou or goodbye to osugi... and worryingly there seemed to be some discrepency over what the address actually was and the poor taxi driver was in dispare to find out I didnt have a telephone number for where we were going. (turns out my chinese symbols were written right its just Ryan had written the address wrong) But I put trust in the world a knew I would get there..and if all failed I had the address of a hostel that Osugi was going to. We reached the vague area and after a lot of cufuffle and asking strangers (crouds of people trying ot be helpful but probably just being nosey seem quite common here) he stopped and I paid and got out. Luckily for me I have a quite a bit of common sence and it wasn't long before I found the building and ringing the buzzer I was met with a familiar “hello” and “yeeaaa! Congratulations, you made it!”
Relief.
That night Ryan treated me by taking me out to a local place to get a full body massage. Nice.
Ive been here a few days now and plans for christmas day are forming. Christmas buffet with expats and them beijing in the evening...and hopefully a boxing day strole along the great wall... :) exciting.
Im too brain fried now to write anyhing about China World more.. but I think I like it... however once I leave the security blanket of ryans house and head south who knows what I might think :) one things for sure...i dont understand a bloody word!!
Happy Solstice everyone!
One Girl, One Guitar, One Hell of a Journey
Monday, 31 January 2011
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
Part 14 - goodbye Japan
Today is my last day in Tokyo, tonight I get on a bus and head to Kobe. These last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster but at the moment im feeling relatively sound. I guess there are two ways of dealing with not knowing what is ahead of you, freak out ..or don't. Its good to touch base with both of them just to know what the other feels like. Last week was probably Freak Out mode, this week im just going with it, its all you can do when your on the other side of the world from everything you know, no point fighting against the river trying to get back to the bank you jumped off…best to just see which bank you get taken to next.
Tokyo has been a challenge to me, it really is the most expensive place I have ever visited and the whole place screams consumerism and money from every angle. There are huge TV advert screens in the street and the most horrific pop music I’ve ever heard in my life.
I have spent most of my days making things from leather scraps that Manami’s cousin gave me and when im feeling like its all too much I head off into Tokyo city to Yoyogi park and sit under a tree (or in a tree) with my guitar. There are good things about being in a city with nothing to do though, for one thing it gives me a chance to really watch people as I am the only person who has time to really watch, and I’ve seen some classic moments. One favourite of mine was watching a little boy (about 9) with his huge school rucksack run along some railings with his mobile phone letting it go Clack Clack Clack one each railing as he ran past, an inventive alternative to the traditional Stick I thought and a great moment to watch. Its nice to see that some things don't change. It also means I have time to meet people. One day I was sitting in yoyogi park placing my guitar under a tree, improvising something in DADGAE and watching the crows bath themselves in the man made pond when a guy with a guitar appeared next to me. I shall call him Jazz Man as I’m useless with names and he played Jazz Guitar. He asked if it was my composition and I said yes, he then sat with me and we played together for a while until we got too cold. We then spent the next hour or so walking back and forth round the park with a hot bottle of tea from a vending machine just talking about our lives. He was taking time out of working as a salary man because of vein troubles and spent his days practicing his jazz guitar in the park (he had to take time out of Salsa Dancing though because of his sickness) He then offered to take me to see a Tokyo Sight, near by which turned out to be a large pedestrian crossing where hundreds of people crossed at the same time. I found it quite amusing actually, another great place to watch people. He then took me out to dinner and I tried cheese-motchi tempura and sweet-corn tempura. We parted ways a little lighter in our hearts for having met another bright soul on a lonely day.
As I said before the money-mind of Tokyo disturbed me a lot, it has been a great challenge for me since leaving home to realizing that I have no control over where my money goes when im traveling. In Bristol I know where the local produce can be bought, where the organic shops and cafes are and where the indipendant companies can be found. However when everything is different and even the alphabet cant be understood you begin to have to let yourself shop in seven 11 and super markets, and you find yourself becoming tempted to go into Starbucks just because your so damn cold and you need a hot drink. I think park of my homesickness came from a desire to be able to spend my money in a positive and wholesome way, a way which nurtured my heart and soul rather than making it feel sad and sick. However on the flip side of it I’ve also been given the opportunity to experience the giving nature and conscious minds of the Japanese people first hand. On Manamis birthday we went to a flee market and set up a little shop and the kindness of people spending money on my shop because they want to support what I am doing blew me away. They saw something which they believed in and didn't think twice about putting money towards that, which to me in inspiring and often I see people talking support for things but rarely putting their hands into their pockets for the cause without being asked to. But here I was not asking anybody, in fact one person I was trying to give him a gift and he insisted on playing me the equivalent of $30 for it.
The biggest lesson Tokyo has taught me is about Giving. Manami, her Obachan, her Cousin, her Mum, All her friends and strangers I have met in the street have all reminded me how important it is to be giving at every opportunity. It reminds me to give no matter how low I am in spirit, or money, keep giving smiles, hugs, money, food, anything I have to give and this can be my way of helping the world. Perhaps even others would find inspiration to give from seeing it like I have from seeing it in all those who have given to me. The Key with giving is once I have given it I do not miss what I gave, or regret it, once its gone from me its gone. However if I do not give when I have the opportunity then often I think after about how I could have given and I didn't. Manamis friend Rudy was telling a story of how a homeless guy lived on the streets hear Rudy’s house. He has a set-up of a make shift tent and stove. Often Rudy would walk past and think of how he wanted to leave a snickers bar out for the guy by his stove but he never did. Then recently he walked past and the guys tent and stuff was all burnt out, an ashen reminder of his life. Out the front someone had placed a simple Brick and on top of it A vase with a lily and a glass of Saki (this is Traditional to do on graves as a sign of respect). Remembering the snickers bar he never left Rudy went home and got one and placed it upon the makeshift grave stone. .. it made me realize if I don't give today then perhaps tomorrow there might be no one to give to.
So In Kobe I spend one night at a hostel as I could not find a couchsurfer in the area and then I board a ship to China. My excitement is building more now. Im going to meet a guy in Tienjin that came into the Canteen during my last week at work, he was a customer and told me he lived in china and if I was passing to drop by… so that's what im going to do. After that perhaps I will go and look for the Chinese Pyramids before heading south to Yunnan Prpvence and then into Laos. Of course it could all change any minute but I’ve given up worrying about if I “do it” or not… I’d rather just do what feels right and if I end up going back to the uk within a month or so then that's fine. Theres also talk of seeing a few of the Tribe out and about, A girl I met traveling in spain and Portugal 4 years ago is currently in Laos and heading to china and Claire has been thinking of coming out to meet me. Also Michael Lokko is in Koh Pangnan and Shanti is heading there too next month and I’ve got a feeling more of the family are lurking in that area, or will be over the next few months.
So to round up;
Japan is officially the bizarrest place I have ever been. The differences I have seen here in landscape, mind set and social ettiquete have been like chalk and cheese, from the laid back, back to nature hippies of Yakushima with Ancient forrest, typhoons and mountains, to the bustling heart of Tokyo’s high rise concrete worlds where shops are layered on top of each other, no one stops to say sorry when they hit you in the street and everyone is rushing, even if they don't need to be. I have, a few times, actually had to stop myself running to catch a train at platform and remind myself I have all day and nothing to do and there will be another train due in in 3 minutes time. The “rush” mindset in infectious. Then somewhere in between these two is the sub urbs and rural towns set aside lush green bamboo covered mountains which jut up out of the dead flat landscape (so reminiscent of the zen gardens of raked sand and large rocks) where one minute you can be in a seven 11 buying sushi and then next up a mountain side praying at a shrine along side spiders and praying mantis. A country where girls can wear skirts which barely cover their knickers without a blink but when I bare my shoulders I am looked at as if I must be insane. Where Salary men in smart suits and leather shoes, hair raked back and slicked into place pass women old and young in the street in their traditional kimono and tatami mat sandals. Where Fox Tails are fashion accessories and mink hides can be bought in the local craft store (no joke) and yet its normal practice to visit a shine or temple to pray to the spirits of the land for luck, good grades, wealth, and love. A land of deep set Traditions and Ancient ways juxtaposed with the most up to date of technology, even in places where one really does not need high technology (for example the toilets). However it have given to me, constantly given and been open. I’ve hitch hiked hundreds of miles across it and met only smiling faces. In my low moments the spirits of this land have looked after me, given me friends, or shown me my loneliness and let me grow with it. I have prayed at shrines and temples, hugged and climbed 3000 year old trees, met banyan trees, cinnamon trees and Camphor Trees and stroked wild deer.
Thanks Japan.
From here on in China there will be no facebook so if you want to receive blog updates send me your email address, mine is catchingapples@yahoo.co.uk or keep your eyes open to http://landandseajourney.blogspot.com
Love and light and blessing to all of you. I love you so so so much.
Tokyo has been a challenge to me, it really is the most expensive place I have ever visited and the whole place screams consumerism and money from every angle. There are huge TV advert screens in the street and the most horrific pop music I’ve ever heard in my life.
I have spent most of my days making things from leather scraps that Manami’s cousin gave me and when im feeling like its all too much I head off into Tokyo city to Yoyogi park and sit under a tree (or in a tree) with my guitar. There are good things about being in a city with nothing to do though, for one thing it gives me a chance to really watch people as I am the only person who has time to really watch, and I’ve seen some classic moments. One favourite of mine was watching a little boy (about 9) with his huge school rucksack run along some railings with his mobile phone letting it go Clack Clack Clack one each railing as he ran past, an inventive alternative to the traditional Stick I thought and a great moment to watch. Its nice to see that some things don't change. It also means I have time to meet people. One day I was sitting in yoyogi park placing my guitar under a tree, improvising something in DADGAE and watching the crows bath themselves in the man made pond when a guy with a guitar appeared next to me. I shall call him Jazz Man as I’m useless with names and he played Jazz Guitar. He asked if it was my composition and I said yes, he then sat with me and we played together for a while until we got too cold. We then spent the next hour or so walking back and forth round the park with a hot bottle of tea from a vending machine just talking about our lives. He was taking time out of working as a salary man because of vein troubles and spent his days practicing his jazz guitar in the park (he had to take time out of Salsa Dancing though because of his sickness) He then offered to take me to see a Tokyo Sight, near by which turned out to be a large pedestrian crossing where hundreds of people crossed at the same time. I found it quite amusing actually, another great place to watch people. He then took me out to dinner and I tried cheese-motchi tempura and sweet-corn tempura. We parted ways a little lighter in our hearts for having met another bright soul on a lonely day.
As I said before the money-mind of Tokyo disturbed me a lot, it has been a great challenge for me since leaving home to realizing that I have no control over where my money goes when im traveling. In Bristol I know where the local produce can be bought, where the organic shops and cafes are and where the indipendant companies can be found. However when everything is different and even the alphabet cant be understood you begin to have to let yourself shop in seven 11 and super markets, and you find yourself becoming tempted to go into Starbucks just because your so damn cold and you need a hot drink. I think park of my homesickness came from a desire to be able to spend my money in a positive and wholesome way, a way which nurtured my heart and soul rather than making it feel sad and sick. However on the flip side of it I’ve also been given the opportunity to experience the giving nature and conscious minds of the Japanese people first hand. On Manamis birthday we went to a flee market and set up a little shop and the kindness of people spending money on my shop because they want to support what I am doing blew me away. They saw something which they believed in and didn't think twice about putting money towards that, which to me in inspiring and often I see people talking support for things but rarely putting their hands into their pockets for the cause without being asked to. But here I was not asking anybody, in fact one person I was trying to give him a gift and he insisted on playing me the equivalent of $30 for it.
The biggest lesson Tokyo has taught me is about Giving. Manami, her Obachan, her Cousin, her Mum, All her friends and strangers I have met in the street have all reminded me how important it is to be giving at every opportunity. It reminds me to give no matter how low I am in spirit, or money, keep giving smiles, hugs, money, food, anything I have to give and this can be my way of helping the world. Perhaps even others would find inspiration to give from seeing it like I have from seeing it in all those who have given to me. The Key with giving is once I have given it I do not miss what I gave, or regret it, once its gone from me its gone. However if I do not give when I have the opportunity then often I think after about how I could have given and I didn't. Manamis friend Rudy was telling a story of how a homeless guy lived on the streets hear Rudy’s house. He has a set-up of a make shift tent and stove. Often Rudy would walk past and think of how he wanted to leave a snickers bar out for the guy by his stove but he never did. Then recently he walked past and the guys tent and stuff was all burnt out, an ashen reminder of his life. Out the front someone had placed a simple Brick and on top of it A vase with a lily and a glass of Saki (this is Traditional to do on graves as a sign of respect). Remembering the snickers bar he never left Rudy went home and got one and placed it upon the makeshift grave stone. .. it made me realize if I don't give today then perhaps tomorrow there might be no one to give to.
So In Kobe I spend one night at a hostel as I could not find a couchsurfer in the area and then I board a ship to China. My excitement is building more now. Im going to meet a guy in Tienjin that came into the Canteen during my last week at work, he was a customer and told me he lived in china and if I was passing to drop by… so that's what im going to do. After that perhaps I will go and look for the Chinese Pyramids before heading south to Yunnan Prpvence and then into Laos. Of course it could all change any minute but I’ve given up worrying about if I “do it” or not… I’d rather just do what feels right and if I end up going back to the uk within a month or so then that's fine. Theres also talk of seeing a few of the Tribe out and about, A girl I met traveling in spain and Portugal 4 years ago is currently in Laos and heading to china and Claire has been thinking of coming out to meet me. Also Michael Lokko is in Koh Pangnan and Shanti is heading there too next month and I’ve got a feeling more of the family are lurking in that area, or will be over the next few months.
So to round up;
Japan is officially the bizarrest place I have ever been. The differences I have seen here in landscape, mind set and social ettiquete have been like chalk and cheese, from the laid back, back to nature hippies of Yakushima with Ancient forrest, typhoons and mountains, to the bustling heart of Tokyo’s high rise concrete worlds where shops are layered on top of each other, no one stops to say sorry when they hit you in the street and everyone is rushing, even if they don't need to be. I have, a few times, actually had to stop myself running to catch a train at platform and remind myself I have all day and nothing to do and there will be another train due in in 3 minutes time. The “rush” mindset in infectious. Then somewhere in between these two is the sub urbs and rural towns set aside lush green bamboo covered mountains which jut up out of the dead flat landscape (so reminiscent of the zen gardens of raked sand and large rocks) where one minute you can be in a seven 11 buying sushi and then next up a mountain side praying at a shrine along side spiders and praying mantis. A country where girls can wear skirts which barely cover their knickers without a blink but when I bare my shoulders I am looked at as if I must be insane. Where Salary men in smart suits and leather shoes, hair raked back and slicked into place pass women old and young in the street in their traditional kimono and tatami mat sandals. Where Fox Tails are fashion accessories and mink hides can be bought in the local craft store (no joke) and yet its normal practice to visit a shine or temple to pray to the spirits of the land for luck, good grades, wealth, and love. A land of deep set Traditions and Ancient ways juxtaposed with the most up to date of technology, even in places where one really does not need high technology (for example the toilets). However it have given to me, constantly given and been open. I’ve hitch hiked hundreds of miles across it and met only smiling faces. In my low moments the spirits of this land have looked after me, given me friends, or shown me my loneliness and let me grow with it. I have prayed at shrines and temples, hugged and climbed 3000 year old trees, met banyan trees, cinnamon trees and Camphor Trees and stroked wild deer.
Thanks Japan.
From here on in China there will be no facebook so if you want to receive blog updates send me your email address, mine is catchingapples@yahoo.co.uk or keep your eyes open to http://landandseajourney.blogspot.com
Love and light and blessing to all of you. I love you so so so much.
Sunday, 12 December 2010
Part 13 – Kyoto highs, Tokyo blues. Fire Spinning and Fox Tails.
Today I collected my Chinese visa, I stood in the embasy with my passport in my hand after my early rise to get there in time and a train ride with more people than is healthy to put in one carriage, pressed against the smelly suit wearing body of Japan. I sat down. Opened my passport and looked at the visa, 30 days in china… and no excitement bubbled up in me. No sence of adventure. No thrill or wonder or desire… infact I felt a little depressed about the whole idea to be honest. Today I just wanted to be at home. To be walking through the laines in Brighton, or sitting around a morning fire at coed, or traveling to some gig to watch mike play in Bristol…. Or merely just lying in bed, on Chaplin road. I stuffed my passport in my bag and headed of to find solace in the only space of open green I know in Tokyo, yoyogi park.
Its been a hell of a ride these past few weeks, since vipassana and leaving Kyoto. Vipassana left me with a slight sense of disappointment about myself, making excuses, celestial reasons for why I wasn't supposed to finish the course, after all everything is perfect as it happens right? When really excuses is all they were and deep inside I just felt a little bit like perhaps Im not “spiritual” enough, or worse perhaps I am and its just im too weak to go through the pains and trials of it all. Perhaps all and none of the above are true, but one things for sure, I was happy to not be in vipassana but left wit ha reoccurring migraine and a desire to be around familiarity. I thought to myself “when I get to Tokyo and I am with Manami it will all be fine, because I know Manami.” forgetting that we having seen each other for 4 years and we only spent a week or two together when we did meet. Back then a week or so was long enough to feel I had a great connection with someone; a life long friend, and in some ways its true. But since then I have made such long term bonds and friendships with people that I understand the familiarity of an old friend. Which is a blessing and a curse all at the same time it seems haha.
My hitching time in Japan had come to and end, I could recognize the loneliness in me growing and felt that perhaps the side of a highway in the colder more northern parts of japan in late November was perhaps not the right place for me. I had a few days left in Kyoto before my re-arranged bus ticket was due to take me to Saitama (just north of Tokyo) and I planned to try to enjoy my Kyoto time. I spent a few days browsing temples (trying to not be bothered by the herds of Japanese tourists and a migraine) and sitting by the riverside playing guitar. I have grown a love for sitting and watching the herons here, such a nice change from the loutish swans of the Thames.
On my second to last day I had a pretty down day, feeling the loneliness creeping in I found my first cafÈ sit in since getting to japan, ordered some “happy tea” thinking Amy would be proud of me with the irony of it and drowned my misery in warm herby water. After wallowing for a while, feeling my pain and sadness and watching my habbits repeat themselves I decided to pick myself up and go and do something creative at least. I headed to a local busy metro station with the intention to busk.
On my way I came across a blanket covered in hemp jewellery and crochet goodies and next to it sat a Japanese Guy crocheting an Ipod cover. I smiled and sat down with him and we got chatting, it felt good to meet someone on a similar level to me (quite literally as we were both now ground height and everyone else walk up above us walking past) and his English was good enough to have some form of conversation. After a short jam with my xaphoon and his clicky clacky African balls (that's not their technical name Im sure) I headed off with a little skip in my heart. Tribe. I felt the Tribe in a faint and glittering way.
I risked going down into the subway underpass to busk (even though everyone told me it wasn't a good idea as I would be moved) and set up with my little sign that my couch surfing host had translated for me saying “I am from England, I am traveling around the world with no aeroplane. Donations are very much appreciated thank you very much.” And began to play. I have a limited number of busking friendly songs and so rarely do well with busking but when it works it works and that day was an amazing day. The people of Kyoto saw my lonely soul and also saw the shining love and joy I was pouring out for them and for memories of all the people back home “carrying on your songs in my smile” I truly was. I filled myself with the sensation I get when dancing to the music of my friends in England, and with that in my heart I sang and I played. And people stopped. And people gave. And people smiled. And people complimented me on my voice. And people gave me scones and onion bread. And people asked if I would be back there again tomorrow. People even rode the escalator twice just to come back and give me money or listen to me sing.
Within under 2 hours I had one scone, one onion bread and about 50 pounds. I gave thanks as I packed up my guitar and headed back to share my tasty goodies with my new friend Jun. Then we sat and he taught me a whole new way of crocheting with a special double ended hook, and even gifted me with a hook as I was saying my good byes at the end of the night. I rode the bus back to Brian and Cindys house warm in my heart.
The next day I had a slow start and took my time packing everything up ready for my bus that evening. It was leaving at 11pm and I would ride all night until we reached Tokyo and Saitama in the morning. Once I had collected my things and said my thank yous and goodbyes to Brian and Cindy I headed of to the little shop that had been stocking my jewellery. The lady there was such a kind girl, and we got on really well despite both of us struggling with the language. None of my jewellery had sold, though I didn't mind but I could see she felt bad about it and she bought a piece herself as a way of showing her support (and because she liked it of course). I headed back towards the metro station to see if I could wile some time away busking or chatting to Jun but as I headed in that direction I felt a strong pull towards the shopping mall (which I had not ventured into yet as I have little desire to buy anything especially at the prices in Japan) so I took a detour through it and found myself standing outside an instrument shop, full of djembes, thumb piano, didgerydoos, different kinds of tibettan and Indian bells and shakers.
As I walked in two guys were playing the thumb pianos (I cant even begin to spell the correct name for this instrument so im going to have to stick with thumb piano, sorry) and playing the most beautiful duet. One guy behind the counter the other, a geijin, was on my side of the counter. It was so beautiful I just stopped and watched then until they had finished. I got chatting with them and the Geijin was French and his name is Matieu. He said he wanted to hear my music and knowing he and I had some cosmic business to attend to we wondered off into the night, chatting and laughing and sharing tales and pains. His English seemed about as limited as my French and I tried my best to keep the conversation going in only French pretty much the whole time, and he tried his best to understand. …after about 5 minutes he remembered he had forgotten his bike and ran back to get it and joined me again.
I felt the fire of a connection rise in me. It felt so good to speak to someone who shared similar thoughts to me, though his were now slightly jaded from years of living in Kyoto city. We passed Jun and stopped to say hi, Matieu, being a local busker, also knew Jun and we stood opn the corner cluttering the street for a while before we headed off to my busking spot.
Matieu seemed impressed that I would risk busking where I did and said that he was supprised I hadn’t been moved the day before. He sat and watched me as I sang. Feeling a mans eyes watching me as I shone my love out to the world was quite unnerving and I would often break out mid song in hysterics of laughter, blushing and stumbling about myself. It was an innocent friendship of fascination, two souls who in their own way were feeling a little jaded by their place and life and the giant hands of the universe had knocked us together for a quick evening of remembering the light that exists.
I made another 40 pound or so in about an hour and we headed off to share chocolate and a beer (unlike me but it felt appropriate at the time) by the riverside and he played me more music on the beautiful instrument he had. He taught others to play and busked for a job and so sang me magical songs from Zimbabwe as the cold came in closer and I wrapped my blanket around myself. He talked of how he used to believe in love and used to give love out to the people of the city but now can only see the bad side of it all, and I talked of how when I am down something always gives me a sign to remind me of how wonderful people can be…and how every single person who was past me in unique and inspiring and can teach me so much. After my days of loneliness this is what I needed to remind myself, and I guess because of the situation that he was there because he needed to remind himself of something too.
As we began to get our stuff together and head back to our separate worlds I heard a voice call “fleassy!” and it was my friend from the shop! She had come this way remembering me saying I would be playing music and had spotted us by the river. She was wearing the pendant she had bought from me. We joined her in a walk to her friends shop where we sampled copious amounts of locally made sweeties in all flavours and colours. Her friend spoke French and in a multitude of languages we frolicked about in the sugary haven for a while but all too soon it was time for us to all part ways. We waved good bye to the girls and Matieu and I walked to the end of the street together. I said to him “hey if you fancy a break from japan I might be in china for the next few months, you could pop by for a visit, and then ill be travelling into south east Asia if you need an adventure”, “I wont be doing that” he said a little timidly “im married to a Japanese woman”, “ok, well let me know if you go back to France and we can meet up maybe” and with that our stories split, he went into his next chapter, and I into mine.
Tokyo.
An all night bus ride up from the old city of Japan to a crazy land of skyscrapers and hostess bars. Im still learning to love Tokyo. Ive been here a week and we are still having teething problems.
I arrived at the bus station at 7am, unslept and wobbly. I was unsure as to weather Manami would meet me when I got there or not and as I didn't find her around the station I tried to call her phone. It rang onto answering machine so I presumed she was a work. The world I arrived in truly was a concrete jungle, an industrial suburb of Tokyo..that world which doesn’t seem to have houses or shops… just some weird thing in between the two. After a slow adjustment and a hot cup of milky tea in a coffee shop I took the train to the next big station and looked for a green space, as usual in Japanese cities I found it in the ;and of a temple and spent a few hours walking and playing guitar (though not at the same time). Then I found an internet cafÈ in order to contact Manami. By now it was 1 in the afternoon and I entered this internet world completely unprepared for what I would find.
This is the kind of internet cafÈ where you get your own private booth with ha lock on the door, a tv and dvd play and they even provide a neat packet of tissues in each cubicle, don't get me wrong it was clean...just a little be too clean if you get what I mean. It turns out all the internet caffe’s round ehre are like that and you get free hot and cold drinks with your time online and sometimes you can even spend the whole night there for a discount price and showers are provided too… Shame it costs about 3 pounds for half an hour really. Japan is a strange strange place.
Anyway I had a message from Manami and turns out she wasn't working we just missed each other so I rang her again and she came to meet me. I was so nervous to see her again after all these years but she was lovely (of course) and we went back to her place where I met her Obachan (grandmother) who lives down stairs and Obachans small fat little doggy called Luna.
This is my first time meeting an Obachan and they are surprisingly similar to Babushkas… but slightly less rude…slightly. Again another perfect Amy character and I only wish she was here too meet Obachan. She is a spritely and lively woman who likes to play bowls, garden and take onsens. Every other thing she talks about relates to food and she dresses Luna up in little clothes. Now I used to find the dressing of dogs in clothes quite a cruel concept…that was until I saw a dog eagerly step into a leather jacket. Obachan English is worse than my Japanese and on the second day I was here after manami had gone off to work she came up to get me and take me out for lunch.
I went to my first sushi restaurant where you have to actually catch your food as it rolls past you on the plate. Now being a vegetarian in Japan is difficult enough and I have relaxed my eating habbits a lot since being here… being a vegetarian with an Obachan who likes to feed and who doesn't speak English in a sushi restaurant is down right impossible and soon enough I was confronted with for plates of raw fish and a small bowl of soy sauce to dunk it in, and along side it a bowl of “soup” which seemed to consist of water and prawn heads… and not much else. I tucked into the raw fish and left the prawn head soup for Obachan to finish for me. I must admit some of it was very tasty (I do like fish sometimes) but theres only so much raw fish a vegetarian gaijin can eat and soon enough I was franticly gesturing to Obachan that I was full as she was chasing down the next plate. I agreed (after a long process of her pointing to almost everything on the menu just to make sure I didn't want it) finally on a slice of melon to finish me off and soon enough I was waddling out the door. Blessings to her as she not only drove me there and picked all the food but she paid for the whole lot too (plus a bit of egg omlette for Luna who was sulking in the car because we left her behind).
Now as I said Tokyo has been an emotional journey for me full of ups and downs, and incredibly lonely place at times and also a place where I have met many wonderful friendly people. Hanging out with Manami again has been great fun, chatting about memories and life and girly time has been good. However she gets up for work at 6am and doesn't get home until 10 or 11 at night some times so weekdays have become a bit of a long and lonely affair. Getting the train anywhere costs a lot and its not uncommon for me to spend about 20 pounds a days on trains just to get somewhere more exciting than here. so most days I have spent around the house, making things.
Manamis mothers cousin has a shop selling leather bags and she has gifted me with copious amounts of leather scraps and lent me the tools to use and the skills to use to make some stuff, so I’ve been working hard making leather bags and bracelets and even a box experimenting with my new skill.
Last weekend we went on an adventure 2 hours away by train where we joined some jugglers and spinners for a fire dancing party, it felt good to be spinning again and I even laid out as little shop and people bought some of my pendants paying for the extravagant weekend ahead. It feels so good to see my pendants around the necks of really lovely people. After the party many of us went to a local onsen and spent the night bathing in hot pools of water. My favourite being a 2am dip in a giant pool of tea, huge tea bags full of a Chinese medicine herb mix that consisted of turmeric, ginger, liquorice, and many other yummy bits and bobs, and if I hadn’t known how many sweaty bodies had been bathing in it I probably would have drunk some too. At 3am after salt saunas and mild acid onsens, Manami and I headed of to a room matted with sleeping maps and full of snoring Obachans to sleep until morning. The next day the remainders of smiling, tired jugglers and spinners all went en mass to a restaurant for breakfast tempura and after goodbyes and hugs Manami and I headed off to the next party. A BBQ in a park where I sat and played didge with some local players for a while until the sun set and our late night weekend was wearing us down. We boarded the train again, sleepy and feet dragging all the way back home.
But the weekdays are lonely and some days are long and slow and I have found myself meeting with my tears more than a few times since being here.
This weekend just passed we had another busy one, Saturday morning we rose early for an onsen experience with Obachan and two of Manamis friends. One of her friends is a shoe maker and filled me with inspiration to want to make my own shoes.
That night I finally got to speak to Mike, the first time since I got back from vipassana. There is no internet at Manamis house and no skype in the internet cafes so it was a rare opportunity and I enjoyed every second of it, even the difficult moments. Its hard when your closest friend (who happens to also be your lover) is the only one you really want to talk to, because they know you like no one else, and they are so far away, and when you do finally talk, because they are your lover and you don't want to seem weak or sad or clingy (don't want to freak them out or upset them) you can not tell then how deeply lonely and sad you are, how much you want to be with them or be somewhere familiar, and yet how that is so also contradictive to the wants of wanting to continue the adventure for the sake of logic and doing it…and I know I could talk to others at home, but when the skype time is so rare…the first person I want to call…is him.
Then yesterday, Sunday, we went to a flee market (though I kept thinking Manami was saying free market because off the Japanese pronunciation of L and R haha) and set up a little shop. Wow what a little selling chatty pixie Manami is. Our stall attracted so many wonderful shining people and faces; numbers were exchanged and pendants and rings sold off to live the rest of their days in Japan. Manami, knowing I am in need of some money at the moment after Jana has rinsed my savings, put in a wonderful effort with people and talked and smiled and translated the stories of each of my pendants to people over and over again. It was beautiful to watch her work, and I wonder why she has to spend her days stuck in an office where she numbs her brain doing menial computer jobs, making herself sick from watching her life fire fade. She deserves to shine like this every day. Everyone does. When we got home from Tokyo we were tired from a hard days work and after enjoying some organic camomile tea and chocolate we went to bed ready for todays early morning.
Like I said, today I went to the Chinese embassy. I spent the first half of the day lying in the park crying and sleeping in the sun, Of course there’s other stories and reasons for me feeling the loneliness and sadness in my heart, ones I don't want to talk about so openly here, new stories fed to me from across the world. Old stories repeating themselves in my head.
I wrote this today (it's the second half of the writing)
“yet today when my loneliness was so strong,
as I lay upon the only piece of earth I could find this story welled up in my tears,
took me to dirt amongst the other autumn leaves,
aided to my rotting just a little more.
Here I fell asleep.
The early winter sun on my back,
crows circle low wondering is perhaps I had decayed enough to taste good…or perhaps keeping watch over me, ensuring my spirit is guided safely to the other world
... as I slept my mind worked hard… I can not remember my last dreamless night,
so I wonder when my brain will rest next as even in sleep it does not leave me in peace..
when I woke I was sick of here, sick of Tokyo sky scrapers, and sardines can trains, sick of hostess bars and signs that say “crepes and bambinos” with pictures of little girls dressed up like hostesses, “juniors” … sick of Japan,
sick of the china I have’nt even seen yet…and ready to fly home.
After all that..
thousands of miles just to turn back because I am sad, alone…
A few days ago after realising how impossible it is to get overland to India (where so many of my friends will be next month) I asked myself the question “if you were in thai land and mike was in indoa, would you fly to meet him?” …my instant answer was “yes” … that moment something changed… was this “no flying” thing a farce.. a romantic whim? Or is the breaking of it to see mike the romantic whime? …both… and if I am prepared to make that flight, why not just fly anywhere? ….why not?…. To save the planet? ….. …to make a point?…. ….. for my ego?
...who knows, probably all of the above and more.. so maybe now I should take rules off myself, I get such an ego kick out of explaining that im travelling without a plane, and that is reason enough to fly… surely…
...get over myself a bit.”
So that was this morning… as I wrote that I rode the train lines back and forth around Tokyo and then went to sit with a guy selling macramÈ who we had met a few days ago. I found a fox tail on the floor (a fashion accessory here I may add…. Makes me feel odd to see them all lined up in shops … but I don't believe in waste and as it was left because it “broke” from the key chain so now I have my own) and found a calm in my heart. Hiro, the guy I was sitting with told me 7 years ago he travelled to Europe from china over land, china to pakinstan, and from Pakistan you can enter India, he said it's a long way, but cheap… I guess I will look into it, why not eh? Though I don't know much about Pakistan’s political situation right now so I’m going to have to do some research.
So here I am in limbo land Japan, having so much fun yet feeling so sad, swinging like a pendulum. Im trying to just ride the waves, im aware when I feel low that I will rise up again soon, and just watching my patterns… but I wonder what’s ahead for me, what choices I will make over then next few months. I haven’t got a clue what the right choice is that's for sure.
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
part 12 - the yellow post it notes and vipassana school drop out.
now i am battling with a yoyo migrane, it keeps coming and going. Aside from that though im feeling pretty steady in my heart, the longing to be back in England is subsiding and i'm seeing where i am now a little more...
I spent about 4 days with Chris and Satoko in Okayama reveling in a home from home feeling. A wonderful time spent with homeland friends, relaxed and slow, no pressure to be "sight seeing" or anything. However, as always when i settle, leaving was difficult. Again i was up-tugging my roots and wondering on, abut 2 hours to be exact. Walking with my pack and guitar out to the city limits to find a good road to hitch from. I stood there with my sign for all of about 10 minutes before a car pulled in and a guy said he could take me all the way to kyoto station which was a 3 hours ride away, it was only when we got there that i realized it was about half hour off his route. Again another example of how eternally giving and friendly the Japanese seem to be. It hard not to create stereotypes (and i certainly dont want to make a rule of thumb by them) but i do feel that within every culture there are themes of behavioral and emotional patterns that differ slightly from another culture, indeed i actually find it ignorant of me to believe that western people born and brought up in south east England will have the same deep set themes as someone born and bread in the far east in Japan. This is the beauty of cultures. So I feel no shame in saying, in my experience the Japanese people are so often consistently kind and generous and so often go out of their way to help. To top it off, it never feels as though they resent the action of doing it either, its just what you do, its normal... if someone needs help, and you can offer it then you help. I take this on as a lesson and hope i remember it.
In kyoto I was planning on staying with two friends of my previous couch surfer (from when i first arrived in Japan) Caroline, their names are Brian and Cindy and what a couple they are :) They've been together 13 years, since their college days and bounce in jokes and out jokes off each other like a truely satisfying air hockey game. (you remember the feeling, being at the bowling alley and spending a pound on the air hockey table, and when you got a good few minutes of whacking before someone scored a goal).
One night whilst chatting to Mike on the phone I was browsing up pictures on the screen in front of me (as i often do when theres a crazy screen staring at me while i'm on the phone) and i came across an old picture of me in canada dancing with my friend Pest who was on stilts, the picture was part of a group entitled something about Pests Journey and out of curiosity i clicked on the link.... completely unprepared for what i was about to find. A mention about "her 25 years" and i got a bit worried, and then a link to a news site and my fears were confirmed. 17th November last year Pest was murdered on Hornby Island, Canada. "fuck" i said, interrupting Mike. "what?" he said... i told him... and he gave me a minute to read the article...i got to the line " "no no no" he i heared a man screaming "my daughter!" " and i could read no further...
I stayed at Brian and Cindy's for two nights before heading off to the vipassana centre. It's outside of kyoto by about an hour and a half, train and then bus ride. On the bus it was pretty much all full of vipassana students on their way to the course but i was the only foreigner, however i sat at the back with two hippy types and had a small convocation with them... but it seemed my silence had already began, from the moment i left that morning i didnt feel to speak... it felt good to be going somewhere. I've always loved public transport and the feeling of sitting on buses or train, going somewhere but not needing to worry about it, just sitting and watching people. When i was at college i did over two hours a day on the trains two and from the school and loved the journey so much. When we arrived at the centre (a van came to collect us and drove us out into the mountains further, the autumnal colours of the trees sparking that end of year fire of creativity in me) instantly men were separated from women and we began our registration, giving away all our valuables to be looked after and signing the forms to agree to do the course etc etc. I had a lovely convocation with an older lady who had traveled many times in thai land and a girl with curly hair who seemed of a similar ilk to myself. before long we were in the dorm rooms, building our beds and after a meal we began our silence.
Vipassana Meditation courses are run for 10 days holding up the action of "noble silence" which means not only no talking, but no eye contact, physical contact, communication in any form and a still and silent mind; so no chatting away to yourself in you head...this was by far the hardest part for me and eventually became my down fall.
The first night was nice, sitting in the hall with everyone feeling the newness of the situation, trying to focus on the end of my nose and the feeling of the breath but those fires of creativity were already burning strong and images were coming to me of things i could draw, make, create, sew, sing, write and even teach... 9 pm came and we all headed off to bed.
The gong rang at 4am and from deep deep vivid dreams i rose. My dreams are like a second reality to me, nearly always i remember them and over the last few months they have become disturbingly realistic and often take me home to my friends and give me the recharge time of the comfort of familiarity which i often so lack in my waking life these days. I rose and stretched my body, I have difficulty touching my toes with my legs straight and get sharp pains in my back when i try, due to many years of a bad posture i think, and after sitting upright in the half lotus for a few hours the night before i had already realised now was a good time to sort that out. Across the room from me was my long haired older lady friend who like me had a tenancy towards stretching and often i think we would inspire the other to start stretching. by 4.30 the gong had rung again and we were up in the hall meditating... my mind found a few moments of early morning stillness before flicking to life, more images creative ideas, situations...infact the antics of googley swan and the possible situations and comments she had on the whole experience had me physically holding back laughter in the meditation hall...one time i even had to turn a giggle into a cough (we had been told part of the noble silence was "no jokes!" ... so i figured internal jokes weren't aloud either).
Dont get me wrong the teachings were really strong and every night when we sat infront of the telly to watch the teacher give the lesson i left the room afterwards with (besides a headache from staring at a tv for so long) a strong feeling inside me of understanding in his truths, and there is indeed much truth in what he was saying i think. Basic human truths of acting from a place of honesty and love and kindness and knowing yourself... but for some reason when it came to actually doing the practice i couldn't do it. I was raging in my mind with all the things he said were weaknesses of the mind, "imagination", "craving", "passion", even "anger" though to me the "craving" was craving to be creative..and i quite liked that feeling, it didn't feel like it was a destructive craving, and the "passion" was just a fire for life and the earth and energies and love, and the "imagination"? ..well i live and always have done, part of my life in the realms of imagination and i see tat in someways as a strength, it makes me quite adaptable and means i can cope in "boring" situations, the "anger" was just frustration that i felt obliged to be there and that i wasn't aloud to leave..after all we had been told the teacher wouldn't let us go and they had all my money and phone numbers, my journal, everything... but on the level of the teaching i could see all of these were "weaknesses" to reaching the "enlightened" state he was speaking of... but i honestly didn't feel i wanted to go to that state... i just kept thinking "i want to feel light, and free and to live my actions from a place of goodness and kindness and joy" and then i realised that actually i am on that path.. and the most enlightened i feel (by being a sense of lightness, en-lightened) is in situations where the community and wonderful huge tribe of people i know come together and create and spread joy and light into each other..and new people who've never shared it before see that creativity and let it fill them and also feel enlightened ... thats the enlightenment which feels right for me, the enlightenment which i understand and find graspable.
The second night i left the video session and instead of going to meditate for the last half hour of the night i went to my room and i cried, throughout the day Pest's death had been popping into my head and i had even shed some tears in the meditation hall but i felt i couldn't grieve there, i couldnt disturb other people. I cried at the thought that anyone could have it in them to end the life of someone so beautiful, someone who respected the earth and native beliefs and was just living her life in a really positive way.. i cried for every bad action i had known people to do to others and to myself. The manager of the ladies hall heared me and came in "daijobu deska?" (are you ok?) "hai" (yes) i said...she went off up to the hall and came back with two yellow post-it notes from the teacher. one was "elise, please come to the meditation hall at 9.30pm" the other was "elise, remember observe, breathe, breath deeply" it seemed they had been written seperate one before the news of me crying and one after. I went to the hall when asked and the teacher spoke to me when it was my turn to go up to her, she asked how the practice was going and it seemed things had come up for me, i said only (because we are aloud to speak to the teacher) "i'm having difficulties". She said, focus on the end of your nose and try sitting up straight..i nodded and left back to bed to finish my tears into the dream world.
I recieved another post it note the next day simply saying "Elise, please cover your shoulders at all times". My limited traveling wardrobe had my in a loose necked top which i had safety pined tight so my shoulders wouldn't show (and obviously at some point i had failed). The post it notes made me think of good old Amy Star, she would love it... communication by tiny yellow post it notes in a place like that.
Days went by, the hall became stuffier and the windows and shutters always closed. about 8 people had stinking colds and i felt bad for them every time they had a sneaking fit wondering how hard the meditation must be for them. Every moment i could i escaped the stuffy meditation hall i would sneak off quietly to the room to sit on my bed and try to find a quiet place. My long haired friend on the other side of the room would also sneak off and we'd find ourselves siting opposite each other across the room, eyes closed, trying not to form any communication but inevitably i guess some bond was being built. Anyway as time went on my mind wondered more and more until the point where in 10 hours of meditation a day parhaps i was only doing 1 hour of focused meditation at the most the rest was daydreaming and day exploring. One day i got so sick of being inside (we were told we weren't aloud to meditate in the garden) and i was sitting in the room opposite my friend and i looked out the window at the quickly fading autumn "i wish i was out there with you" i said in my head to the trees, as i said it a huge blast of sunlight broke through the clouds and filled the garden with an inviting warmth, i took the sign wrapped myself up in blankets and walked to the garden.
Here i found my peace, briefly my mind quietened down enough, the bird song brought me back to the present when my mind wondered, the wind kissed my top lip giving me a sensation to feel, the trees taught me about stillness.... and the sun set. the gong rang. I joined my fellow students with a new hope in me. We had our 5 pm dinner of fruit and tea and went back to the meditating... but all too soon i was elsewhere. I kept saying to myself "you can stay here, you must, your obliged to, just spend the next 7 days exploring your imagination" but i didn't really believe in the cause for that deep down inside myself.
That night i dreampt i was in a new house in Brighton with Amy Star, drinking tea and eating a huge slice of chocolate cake with a creamy chocolate middle layer. Shanti was upstairs and shouted down to me something. We were living there together. The phone rang and i answered it, it was my dad "hey did i tell you im comming down to see you today?" "no" "well i will be there in an hour, nanny cant come now but i will come alone" "ok see you soon". I put the phone down but then have a sudden sad realisation that I am doing Vipassana and so i am obliged not to speak to my father or see my father or communicate with him. The gong rang. I awoke and knew i didnt need to be there anymore. If i was meant to stay and continue the course then i would be told i couldn't leave (i had already run through every way i could sneak out and get my money and run away but i knew this was dishonest and just flights of crazy drama fanasy) however if i was meant to be able to leave then it would be easy...there would be no resistance.
After 4.30 am 2 hour meditation everyone walked to the breakfast hall (i must admit we got amazing food) and i waiting back by the bedrooms for Ria San, the female dorm manager. "Sumimassen" (excuse me) i wispered "watashi was iki tai" (i want to go), "dokko?" (where?) she replied in her kind soft voice "kyoto...anywhere" i said back... "finish?" she said in english..."hai" (yes). .... "choto mate" (wait one minute) "teacher" she said and disappeared she returned a few minutes later and took me to the room where the teacher was waiting for me. My stomach had begun to to get jittery, i've never been very good at standing up to "authoritative figures" my mind is far more rebellious than my actions and i hate to be an inconvenience. (one of the reasons why i had decided to leave is that i could tell my busy mind was imposing on the study of the other students)
I bowed as i entered and kneeled on the cushion in front of her. "you are having problems with the practice?" she said "yes" i said. I explained that my mind just would not focus and that i had been thinking about leaving the whole time i was there, that i respected the course and the other students and didnt want to be a disruption. "parhaps this is not the path for you, perhaps its not your time, perhaps because you are traveling and traveling brings your mind to the outside world more. So yes. You may go. A car will take you to the station." I thanked her and bowed out of respect (i never bow without meaning it) for her honest heart and her level sight on the situation.
Then i was given breakfast (which i was avoiding because i didnt want to be cheeky and take and take) and a ride to the station. As i was leaving my long haired friend approached me (i was trying to leave descreatly so as not to disturb others but she saw me) and with tears in her eyes she looked right into my eyes (which was such a strange feeling after 4 days of no eyes contact) and said simply "i will miss you" ..i felt a pang of guilt... we had become silent companions...and i was abandoning her. Then the curley haired girl caught me too and ran to me said something in japenese and hugged me. They broke their noble silence for the sake of love. As i walked away part of me felt i had failed the sisters... but i let it go, i had to.
..suddenly i was walking in silence around kyoto city. Sitting by the river. Watching the Heron. Drawing the Heron. Looking at temples. Brian and Cindy were kind enough to take me in at late notice and here i am back in kyoto.
Aside from a yoyo migrane (it keeps coming and going) after 4 days of my eyes closed suddenly being back in daylight and the noise of a city i am faring very well. I found a shop which is stocking my jewellery for a few days while i am here and on wednsday i board a bus to Saitama... in Saitama i will meet Manami.
Manami of my Canadian adventures of 4 or 5 years ago. Manami who i have not seen for so long. One of my Vancouver street life companions.
Im excited.
I can now touch my toes easily and I'm working on reaching my head to my knees when siting down with my leg out straight.
I love.
xoxox
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Part 10 - Miracle Island, Kamikakushi
So i sit here now in Kagushima, the place i was in 2 and a half weeks ago before i went to Yakushima... and here i am back again as if nothing happened... There is a word in japanese, Kamikakushi; when the kami kidnap you from this life suddenly and you enter the world of gods for a moment and then find yourself right back where you started again... i guess parhaps this may have just happened to me.
Alot has changed since i went to Kagushima, my heart had a transformation i guess... i am now alone, Jack left Yakushima 4 or 5 days before me and i stayed on to continue my journey alone... intimidating and scary but i know its something i need to do. I have spent many years now complaining and crying out to be independant, to prove to myself i am strong. Poor Mike had to deal with me so often wishing to be else where, alone, doing it myself without him.... and i know why, and i also know now that wishing to be elsewhere is not what i should have been doing. But here i am, Japan, alone, ready to take on the world... afraid.. and embracing my fear, excited and embracing my excitement....
After leaving Karatzu, Tony, and Taiichi (the japenese second place pop idol singer who i spent a day jamming with in the Central Park bar) the hitch south was quick and easy. We made it to our destination in Kagoshima, southern Kyushu, within the day before nightfall. Jack and I decided to skip Kumamoto for now and head straight to Kagoshima where our couchsurfer Fiona was waiting for us, then head to yakushima island for the weekend. Fiona had a long weekend off work and also wanted to visit Yakushima so we were going to all go on a little adventure together. We arrived in Kagoshima a few hours before Fiona finished work and a few minutes before the heavens opened. Jack and i found refuge under a shelter at a Tram station where we wiled an hour or so away playing xaphoon and drum to the passers by. The rain was like a never ending torrent, sheets of it falling from the sky, everything was soaked around us... and poor Fiona when she came to meet us was too wet through... I'd scored black and pink polkadot umbrella with a frilly edge from a forgetful tram user and pointless as it was offered it to her, but as she pointed out she was allready wet through so i kept it for myself. That night Fiona's friend Sandy also arrived to join the adventure and we went out for a little cake and tea bonding time then off to bed for an early start the next morning. Our new little collection of buddies was quite a nice change from the duo i'd become used to. Fiona is English and Sandy, South African and they are both teaching english in the area. Sandy and Fiona became quite a highlight for me over the next few days as i got to know them, each for their own unique reasons. Fiona i bonded with on a really nice girl to girl level, after 2 and a bit months of me and men it felt like a real breath of fresh air to find a girl vaguely on my level who i could climb around in bushes with. Sandy on the other hand is not really a bush climbing kind of girl...well she would be i'm sure, if spiders didnt exist. Sandy appeared to me to be a girl who had a million reasons to have a problem and yet behind every problem or pain or ache... was a beautiful golden shining heart..and as the weekend progressed i appreciated her shining golden heart more and more (and found reasons to appreciate her constant threat of a panic attack from fear of there perhaps being a spider hiding somewhere ready to jump out and murder her brutally). The ferry ride over was quite uneventful (literally i slept the whole way) and we used the time to rest after our 6 am wake up. Upon arriving on the island I was instantly blown away by the nature here. So far north and yet seemingly tropical. The air was lush and warm, damp. A rain storm had been passing for the past few days and you could see the plant life had been drinking it in. We waisted no time at all and after a quick stock up in the super market of muelsi, fruits and veg we got down to buisness. First thing on the agenda... Onsen! We started hitching towards the south of the island where we had insider information that the best onsen in Yakushima was, and they weren't wrong. As we decended the lush green lined steps down to the onsen the sea opened up before us. The hot spring came up right on the edge of the tide line so half the day the onsen was under water and the other half the tide retreated to reveal a set of man made rock pools with steaming hot water in them. Wow. Now in outside onsens the pools are mixed and out of modesty i guess men hold a tiny towel infront of their bits as they walk around (though it seems a bit pointless to me as they put it down when washing before going into the pool and when ever they turn around or get into the water you see the whole lot anyway) and i found out later that women are supposed to wrap a sarong or towel around themselves while they were in the water. I didnt have a towel or a sarong so we played the Gaijin card and stripped off down to our bouncy bits and spent a good few hours lolling about in the rain in the onsen, climbing down into the sea to cool down when the water got too hot for us. The water here is rich with sulphur and a soft white agae grows on all the rocks in the pools. The sulpher had a really interesting effect on my silver jewelery and turned my rings first bright purple, then green, then blue then red then black... they are still recovering but its slowly rubbing off.
We watched the sun cross the sky and the tide come closer, lap across the rocks and slowly the pools became too cold to sit in anymore.
After we dressed and headed up to the road. Time to find a place to sleep for the night. We decided to look for a beach that had near access to toilets and minimal spiders :) Standing by the side of the road with our thumbs out as the sun was swiftly sinking.... and in pulled a small silver car. A sticker on the boot said "Guppy" which probably means more to me than most of you. The guy driving said he would give us a ride to where we had decided to head towards but as we were getting in i got an urge and i said to him "do you know anywhere good we could camp for the night" with an incling of what happen... he looked thoughtful and then smiled "my house?". We all looked at each other and shared a moment of "wow people are amazing" before saying yes and climbing in. "its very comfortable" he said as he drove us to a look out point to watch the sunset. We drummed the last rays down and boarded the Guppy Waggon and drove back to his place. Infact his house was the other direction from the onsen and he had only been passing because of a momentary urge to go and watch the sunset. We pulled up to his house which was set back from the road amongst the trees. "I have no electricity" he said and if you need to go to toilet, for shitting we go down there" he pointed down towards the river. "but its very comfortable" I past a momentary thought for Sandy, and hoped that it wasn't going to be all too much for her, after all im quite used to sleeping in dirty scummy places and shitting in holes but that didnt mean i should inflict it on anyone else...
..Luckily for us he was right, his hut was very comfortable.... parhaps inspiring... and parhaps not the most water proof of cabins in the world but still comfortable. The space was lit by candle light. The hut built from mud and wood, no panes in the windows, just shutters held closed with sticks. Scattered around the room were rocks that the builder of the house had built the floor around and in centre place by the fire pit was a tree, still alive, growing up towards and out of the ceiling. It was like a mix between a Tipi and a cottage. In the corner was a clay pizza oven that looked like it hadn't been used for a very very long time and decorating evey rafter, corner and shelf where the torsos of dead spiders, cobwebs and strange many legged centepede creatures. However, in the glow of the little fire it was hard to deny that it definatly was "comfortable" and Sohey (our new friend) from here on in never failed to act from his ever giving open heart. This became my home for the next 2 and a half weeks.
The next day was the only full day the girls had on the island and we decided to go up the mountain a bit and see some of the ancient Sugi (cedar) trees of yakushima. Sohey was off to do some rice farming for a friend and had invited us along... the prospect of rice farming was such an exciting idea however i figured my time would come for that and off we all went hitching up the roads to the mountains. Yakkushima is a very small, very round island with a couple of mountain peaks in the centre of it. The incline from sea level to mountain peak is shockingly swift and along with its position so far south in japan and the copious amounts of rain fall it recieves it combines to create an amazing back drop and unique ecosystem. There are over 30,000 plant species on Yakushima, and every japanese plant which growns in the different areas of japan all grow on this one small island. its quite amazing. Headding up and up forrest thickenning and the air warm and moist. The moss covered rocks scattered everywhere reflecting their bigger selves, the huge forrest covered mountains around us. We reached the kigensugi tree we were headed for, a 3,000 year old cedar tree. Ancient, strong, yet now surrounded by a mand made wooden walk way and visted every few second by a new stream of tourists... myself just another part of that stream i guess. It was huge, the base so far round it would take a good 6 people i would say to hug it propperly, However struck by lightning at some point it fell short of height and dwindled at the top to a leafless sparse white crackled trunk. The tree was old, older than old.... older then Christ.... and still alive. But tired. To me i could just feel it as tired. Weather that was just my projection or not i dont know but so much of the forrest here spoke to me, sang at me, lush green bubbling life. But this tree had become just another a tourist attraction, a photo opportunity. On one level its so amazing to have such a wide and easy access to beautiful sacred places like this, but on another level... theres something special about the pilgrimage to reach the sacred place which makes it all the more sacred, and this tree was right beside the road, sign posted and marked on an easy to read map with cute cartoon characters marking the way. I felt bad for the tree. A little ashamed. Whispered a prayer. Then i took my photo opportunity and left.... like millions before me...and millions after.
After the tree we still had an urge for some nature, some un signposted nature so walking along the road further up the mountain Fiona and I dipped into the forrest and clambered away from the road. Here boulders blocked the routes we took and fallen trees became pathways. Roots clung onto huge rocks as if clinging for dear life as the huge trees tower up from their precarious, mudless base. We came upon a River at one point running under the road and removing shoes and leaving backs behind we followed the stepping stone rocks around moist corners and damp bends, minature moss worlds towered around us. At one point i was on ahead and watching the sunlight stream across my path through the trees when a small green hellecopter hovered barely a meter and a half from my face. It was a bright green insect and appeared to have a rotating wings like a hellecopter.... it hovered there for a few seconds, pondering what its next movement in life should be. Then life got bored of waiting. Out of the trees, following the river of sunlight flew a small bird, and right there in front of my eyes snapped up this insect in its beak and landed on a nearby branch, green twitching in its mouth. I guess sometimes life decides for you.
That night we lay down to rest our weary heads after eating beautiful simple food that Sohey had made us and playing music round his fire. The next morning the girls got ready to head back to kagushima and Sohey and I waved them off at the side of the road, it was sad to see them go, i felt i'd built quite a connection with them both :) Its nice to bump into English people. Turns out Fiona knows Cheesey in bristol which was a nice coincidence and was there on the scene in the days of the Tesco Riots and Jesters. It all seems so long ago now. Bristol, so far away.
Finally i got to experience rice farming on this day. We trundled out into the blistering heat to Naoki's rice field and there i stood, barefooted up to my ankles in oriental earth. Knife in hand. Sun in my heart. Spiders and centipedes laughing at my toes, making jokes and tickling me as they did so. I felt bad in some ways, ripping up their homes. As i swiped down and cut these chunks of rice from the ground i tried to work out how many handfulls it would take to make a bowl. (about 6) and how many millions of bowls of rice must be eaten each day in Japan...and how i'd never considered before when eating the rice how each little grain came from a stem of many, and how each stem was integral in the field to helping to fill another bowl. Especially in this field as it was not a commercial field, but a field which some locals had worked together on and were all going to split the rice at the end of the harvest once it was all good and dried. The community spirit was amazing and slowly more people, men, women and children turned up and got working on the field. Half way through i stoped the cutting and joined the people tying the bundles of rice up ready to be hung to dry and i watched as what was, only a few hours earlyer, a field full of rice plants slowly recede back and back until we were left with a sodden muddy field. At lunch everyone came together and we ate a wonderful array of different japenese foods, so healthy, so simple, wow so blessed to be here. During the day i met so many faces and suddenly felt through helping in the rice fields i had been rewarded with so many new friends. One of whome was Coco the French man. When i first saw him (and its quite easy to spot the Geijin here) i had a feeling about him... that feeling i know so well... "where are you from?" i ask "France" he says "oh where in france?" "the alps" oh really... where abouts "near grenobles in the south" .. oh funny that i know the area very well.. i spent a lot of time around Die, his face lights up "thats where im from!" turns out he know La Terriade and David and some of the beautiful people i was with only a few months ago (moments ago so it seems sometimes). We spent many a hour during the next few weeks together playing music and sharing stories of the land we are both so very fond of.
This day, and Sohey, was a gate way to many amazing experiences for the next 2 and a half weeks. Suddenly i was part of a huge family of people, so reminicent of my own family of friends back in england. People who respected the earth and understood good food and music. People who hold community and family so highly. I spent every day on the island with my new friends learning and growing.
One lady i met was called Yoshie, shes in her late 40's and had recently moved to yakushima (as so it seems has many of them) from Tokyo. She became a dear friend over the next few weeks and i'd spend days with her drinking from her endless knowledge of wild foods in the area and medicinal plants. The plant life here is so diverse and so so different from those of the homelands. Leaves are huge and lush and it seems every other plant is medicine.A few times we tried plant dyeing, which is something i've been wanting to do for years. First try, banana leaves on the Kabado. The Kabado is a traditional japenese cooker (looked a bit like this one
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm4.static.flickr.com%2F3624%2F3631521793_8286fcb214_z.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2Ftanaka_juuyoh%2F3631521793%2F&usg=__B48MMvR9weoO_7AImjHEQX7IbMM%3D&h=427&w=640&sz=120&hl=en&start=69&sig2=VYf1ZOfIkcCXntP6u1tVUw&zoom=1&tbnid=Jid4hsOzsRYtBM%3A&tbnh=165&tbnw=266&ei=iIjOTKeYIZHmvQP5xIEB&prev=%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dkamado%2Btraditional%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1366%26bih%3D667%26tbs%3Disch%3A10%2C1880&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=357&oei=XojOTL2HJY62vQPug73RDw&esq=23&page=4&ndsp=18&ved=1t%3A429%2Cr%3A15%2Cs%3A69&tx=118&ty=151&biw=1366&bih=667 ) which even the site of evokes images to me of ancient japanese people cooking rice in bamboo steamers piled on top. The banana leaves didn't work as a side note. Next time we tried Kusagi berries which are a brilliant blue colour and Yoshie had heared the colour stay is so good they dont need a mordant. We tried with just water and kusagi and the colour indeed was amazing but unfortunatly didnt stay... but the next time i went to visit her i got overwealmed with an urge to try it again this time with less water and on top of the hob, boiling the water as we did it. SUCESS! and ive never seen such a lovely colour come from a plant yet. A beautiful turqoisey sky blue.
Other days were spent with Yoshie in the onsen talking to the locals, with her my fire to learn about plant medicines and natural birthing was fired up again and i spoke to her often about the idea of studying to become a Doula. (on a side note Yoshie's English was limited to about 20 words and my Japanese even less and we managed to have some very indepth convocation on this... amazing). One day she asked to hear some of mikes music, withing under a minute of hearing his piano on my mp3 player her eyes were streaming. she took the headphones out and looked at me shaking her head. "you cant leave yakushima fleassy. If fleassy stays in Yakushima, Mike will come here. I have heard his music in the forrest" I cried with her.
Other days were spent walking little paths with Coco, hunting out beautiful waterfalls that he knew of, then striping down to our bouncy bits and jumping into the fresh clean water. Ever since i can remember i have had an unexplainable fear of water... i do wonder when that began and why but it was also balanced with a complete love of the feeling of swimming and a fascination with sea creatures as a little girl. However the idea of getting into large areas of water filled me with fear, even puting my face straight under the shower is a difficult thing for me to do,even now. However i am aware that these fears come from an irrational thing inside meand the waters of Yakushima called me so often, i did not jump in ever...or dive... but i did slip into the beautiful deep pools of water at every oppotunity..even if i did have to psyche myself up for it first haha. Dad, Mum, any idea why i have this fear of water? You didnt try to get rid of me in a sack full of kittens when i was a baby or anything did you?
As we walked through the mountain trails we would come across families of Yaku Monkeys who would sit and watch us from a few meters away, sussing us out before scamplering up the trees. The males would find a branch (preferably one covered in rain water right above out heads) to shake and shake and shake to let us know he was king in this area... one time coco grabbed another tree and shook it back at him... he looked a little confused and then turned away. But watching these wild monkeys so closely was amazing. They arent like the raggle taggle indian monkeys begging for food and stealing what they cant blag, these monkey are like the shanti buddah monkeys of ancient japan. They sit and watch as the world moves around then and just carry on with their monkey lives...often in the middle of the road.
One time a snake crossed our path and we stopped for a moment to touch its tail "please dont do this to snakes you find in australia" said Coco to me. I walked with him writing haiku's in my head like many ancient poets before me would have done on these paths and as quick as i created them often i would set them free...un uttered and perfect.
A particuarly special day was when Sohey decided to take us to visit a secret ancient Banyan tree on the island. I say secret because its just a tree in a forrest, no tourist trails, no sign posts, no maps... He drove us round the edge of the island and we watched as a typhoon let out its angst on the waves and the land scape changed as we left the pacific side. The tree was parhaps one of the greatest things i have ever encountered, a towering beast of a million silent legs, moving so slowly that my eyes can not see where its heading, but yet heading some where it must be. The roots were like tree trunks, a small forrest of its self. I stood amongst them and Sohey mentioned how easy the tree was to climb, no sooner had he said it I found myself 20 foot up and dangling from a root. Arms and legs free, hanging sloth like. Gravity pressing my womb hard against this ancient plant. It was the most grounded i felt all day.
That evening we visited some of Sohey's friend on the north of the island, here i played music and laughed and shared food and drink with wonderful people, and was even dressed up in a kimono for my very own chance to be a photo opportunity.
For 7 days a typhoon raged across the seas, heading to China. On the islands further south it caused mahem, houses flooded and people died... i suffered only the discomfort of a damp sleeping bag. I spend these days either with Mica and Coco baking bread and sharing music and food, or off with Yoshie teaching and learning. But the damp doesnt just sit in the air, coating the bed and all my clothes but slowly it seeps into the heart. I spend many a moment filled with the scent of my homelands, dreaming of my friends back in england. Filled with their music, their laughter and their open love and friendship, filled with love and respect for them...and filled with a burning desire to feel them closer to me. How strange to be in a place so idilic and beautiful, a place with was constantly feeding me and filling me...and to still be yearning for more... I guess this is something i am looking at now, for its this yearning for more which caused me to leave in the first place, and this yearning for more which leaves me so unsatisfied all too often... and causes me to rsh through and round things... so i realise now im on a journey to slow my self down, and root my heart in the present more... kind of strange to be doing that whilst traveling across the planet. I spent many of these days writing my journey down in the form of a letter, which i will soon post all the way back to Rosie, who is now in spain. Some how writing to people i love calms the aching in my heart. Many times all i wanted was to speak to mike, but with little internet acess points the closest i got was to call him from a computer with no microphone...luckily he knew it was me and i sat and listened to his voice for an hour while he talked into an empty phone and sang songs to no response. Thanks Mike.
Another big shift that Yakushima brought was the parting of Jack and myself. It had been in my heart and mind for a while now (and probably his too) lingering like a bad smell... this constant desire to be away on my own, doing it for myself. I guess also the inevitable of differences in personality, communication breakdown and the like from spending 24/7 with a stranger for 2 months also didnt help and by the time the day came for Jack to leave it seemed so inevitable that it didnt seem like too big a deal. We had shared some amazing experiences together and im really greatfull for the role he's played in my jounrey so far, i have learnt a lot from him and our friendship. Also i doubt i would have even left for the journey had someone like him not given me an excuse to do so, if i had gone alone i would probably still be at La Terriade or back in bristol now. (not that either of these eventualities sound so bad to me, and i wish for both of them often) He stepped out into the pouring rain, bag on back, and waved me farewell... i waved back and with a smile we parted. I gave him a toothbrush... but not my umbrella.
Also soon, too soon, my time to leave Yakushima came. I decided to try and use the pizza oven which Sohey had told me he had never used and to invite some of the lovely people i had met over for food and music. I had left my camera up in the north of the island and after work Sohey (that ever giving, shining example of a man) drove all the way up there (over an hours drive) to pick it up and bring it back. Mean while i sat and waited for the guests. In the stillness of the cabin i sat and listened to the millions of insects arranging their orchestra outside, tunning up for the final concert of their lives i guess. I built a fire. I played my guitar. I cooked some food by candle light. I stoked the fire. I swept the pizza oven. I made dough. i played guitar again. I began to wonder if anyone would come. I made myself a chapatti. and suddenly there was Mica at the door, her beautiful face (she is like the asian godsess mermaid of the stories, a strong and beautiful woman) beaming in the candle light. She was followed by Yohey and Naomi and their new born baby Mai. The smiliest family i have ever met. Yohey's face moulded into a smile, his eyes barely ever more than slits to create as much space as possible for his cheeks and mouth to curve. glowing. both of them. Then Naoki arrived, and finaly Sohey came home. the pizza was a disaster but everyone contributed food to the evening and we ate well and drifted of to soft lulling music that we played, backed by the orchestra outside. Naomi offered to drive me north to the ferry in the morning and as we said our goodbyes to every body hey and yohey handed me a rock, a quarts rock. "yakushima" they both said to me, smiling, glowing and nodding. My very own piece of yakushima to take with me.
to be honest its big and heavy and not the ideal traveling companion but the gesture meant more than words could say to me.
The next morning as i sat in Naomi's van and we headed north i bid farewell to the mountains, who were playing hide and seek amongst the clouds. Another typhoon was reported to be on the way, this one heading right for yakushima and you could see it in he waves. The sea was grey.
and suddenly i was on the ferry. watching my miracle island slip away.
and suddenly i was in Fiona's appartment again. Yakushima, a dream. A vision. Here i was back in the city, making halloween costumes for googley swan ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ykg-YVUEhc ) and Fiona and eating ice cream and pizza. Busking in the shopping centre. Noise. Lights. Yet out of the window in Fiona's place, between the blocks of flat and building sits Sakurajima. Silent, dorment, ocasionally puffing out ash. Even here amongst the concrete and supermarket theme songs, the spirit if the japenese land is present. The silence amongst the mayhem.
Tomorrow i hitch north, towards Kumamoto where i visit my mums friends and mount Aso San. Heres to doing it for myself. Heres to being afraid, excited and ready. heres to facing my biggest fears, water, my musicality and being alone.
Thanks Yakushima.
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