A Year on - 8th July 2011

A year on.


12 months ago i was at Buddahfields festival, England, pretty much right now... the sounds of summertime england all around. The chattering of my friends around the fire side, the smell of the chai boiling under the tipi canvas in Pachamama's, The touch of my lovers hand and the heart ache of leaving. Every face i looked at was a face i was saying goodbye to. I was afraid, really afraid. Leaving everything i knew, everything i had spent years slowly building, community, friendships, a relationship... and a reputation as a performer and artist too... and leaving ... walking away from it... for what? why? for what reason? I didn't know. I asked myself, my lover asked me, my friends asked me... but i did not know... "To pick up a hug from my friend in japan and take it to another mutual friend in new zealand" was the reason i gave... but if course it ran deeper than that. Throughout the confusion and the fear and excitement and apprehension there was only two moments that i doubted what i was about to do...

Moment one was lying in bed not long before i left with my head upon Mikes chest, in a dream. We we trees. Tall ancient trees. We had been cut down and were on the back of a logging truck rushing along a road that was also a river. I felt this deep deep sensation of loss and pain and heart break...true immense heartbreak like i have never felt before... I awoke shaking and sobbing with these words in my head, stuck firm

"I am the heartwood of a tree; and i can not stop crying"

It felt as if they had been imprinted onto the back of my eyelids so every time i blinked that emotion of pure deep heartbreak and powerlessness filled me... I could see that if i were to leave i would be giving up my control of my life, i would be on a road of which i could not determine the end of... and it petrified me.

The second moment was when i got on the bus in Grenoble. I had been standing with mike, he cut a slice of his hair off for me and gave it to me..but my minds eyes was distracting me, afraid the bus would go with out me..of course it wouldn't... i was standing next to it...they never do go without me... but my heart couldn't deal with the goodbye... I got on the bus, sat in my chair and looked out the window and saw straight into mikes eyes, past his face and right into his heart... standing there strong giving nothing but love and support to me..and i broke. I literally felt my whole core had ripped open, I was leaving him, and risking this beautiful thing i had so often taken for granted... and I may never see him again. It dawned on me for the first time, i may never see him again. I jumped up to run out and embrace him, give him my all, tell him everything i had not said in my detachment but as i jumped over the seat next to me the bus driver shouted something at me in German and scowled blocking the doorway, they closed the doors and we were leaving. I cried. I cried for 24 hours. The whole way to Germany. I got out for a moment in Lyon... and this moment... this is the moment that could have changed the course of my life. I was about to get on a bus back to Grenoble... i was so afraid. I took a dice out of my purse, a dice James from Wello had given me... it has 6 faces like any normal dice.. but only two sides were marked, one with "left".... one with "right". "Left i go back, to safety, to Mike; Right i go on to Latvia, to the unknown" It didn't occur to me that 4 sides out of 6 were plain.. i might get no answer at all.... I rolled....


..."Right" ... i took a deep breath and continued on my trip.


If that dice has rolled the other way... i may not be here where i am right now... i may not have seen everything i have between UK and Thailand in the last year.

So here i sit, a year later, In Thailand, where i have been living now for 4 months on a small bay on Koh Phangan island. I have touched my feet upon 13 countries looked into the eyes of possibly millions of people since i jumped onto the truck in Bristol with Mike to hitch through France. I have traveled in trains, cars, trucks, buses, motorbikes, scooters, ships, ferries, longtail boats, rafts; I have walked, run, skipped, hitchhiked, danced and done cartwheels. Taken photos, drawn sketches, written songs and poems and played guitar to ancient gods and spirits in different lands. I've prayed at churches, shrines and temples and crossed too many time zones for me to remember. I have not taken one plane yet... and although i am open to taking a plane if i really feel to in the future... i feel no need to take one yet.

So for an update for those who care to know, the last 4 months. Living on this little bay, the Bay of Love, or Butterfly Bay as i call it (being that there is more species of butterfies here than i have ever seen) I have gone from squatting an abandoned bungalow on a land dispute to house sitting a jungle palace via being taken in by a beautiful family, run out by mafia, sleeping under the stars, in a cave, in dormatories, bungalow hopping my way around the bay. I've fallen in love, I've felt home sick, I've danced and danced and danced... infact i have discovered my dance helping with cacao dance ceremonies, running dance journeys and contanct dance jams as well as rising 4am to dance the sunrise numerous times. I've met people who will stay in my heart forever. A few snap shot memories from the last 4 months to give those of you who have not been to the bay before an idea of my life here though theres way too many to write them all down...

... The first that jumps to me is naked frolicking in the waves with Pink, JJ, Manya, Felix, Ludvig, Adam and the reflections of the stars late night after a Fantuzzi gig... Splashing, screaming, swimming, hugging and embracing the night...

... Sitting on the sands watching the silhouette of a longtail boat pass by as the sun rose with Marina...

... Dressing up at 80's yoga rockstars with EVERYONE for Sebastians birthday.

... Sitting on a rock on the ridge late at night playing music with JJ under the stars

... Walking through the Jungle with Lula, running from the mosquitos to the high view point and reveling in the joy of being so fucking high....on life

... Meeting my dad at the airport as he came to see me for my birthday, and feeling the tears roll down my cheeks as i hugged him.

... Watching Maya spin her hoola hoop as if it had always been part of her form.

... Swimming with the phosphorescence...

... Finding a spiral mandala of 99 butterfly wings and 4 butterflys upon my bed after a weekend away ...

... The storm, the dark damp torrential rain of the storm which penetrated our skins and left a melancholy in all our hearts and snuggling close at night as the rain came through the wall less house, the bars banged in the wind and the dampness settled on my sleeping skin... Sitting with beautiful women in the tea temple singing songs to pass the wetness away...

... The open mic, every thursday, Adam being the MC, Dan being the MC, Me and Megan being joint MC's and the endless heart warming and explosive tallent which seems to have graced in front of my eyes on that stage...

...spending hours with a baby gekko running around my body...

... Standing on stage with a group of open hearted and enthusiastic people and conducting a live improvised song right there on stage after having run a workshop in vocal expression...

oh my gosh i could go on, and on and on and on.... theres so many amazing memories and i shall not be able to put them all here without boring someone sooo i shall keep them in my heart and write them down as they come to me in my books as and when i feel to.

Bats fly into my house every night around my head, they poo on the floor and drop half eaten jungle fruits as i sleep. Gekko's beak box from hidden cracks. Snakes slither un noticed and noticed around the pathways and scorpions appear to remind me of how tender life is and how fragile i am.

I spend my days running creative workshops, freestyle mandala drawing, creative writing, vocal expression and body percussion, jewelry making and putting on films and fun events for the hundreds of people who pass in and out of here.

So here a year after leaving the uk, After facing my fear and jumping into the void and learning that the universe really is there to catch you in one way or another I have no idea where i will be in a years time. Following my original plans i would have arrived in australia 4 months ago, but instead i decided to be present and follow the flow of each day, not be afraid of running out of money (which i did do...and survived!), not be afraid of having no where to sleep (because i always had somewhere to sleep eventualy) not be afraid of being alone (because even the few times i WAS alone... it was only ever for my highest good and growth) and to just enjoy the Here...and the Now. Still i have my moments (usually in tune with my hormones) where i miss England, Wales, the whimsical, wholesome, brown earthy oak edged lands of Apples...and have no doubt i shall return one day...when and how? i dont know... But those lands; i know now, are deeply rooted in me, in every breath i breathe, every beat of my heart.

... Now i am watching a boat pull out of the bay full of people who've each spent about a week here and are leaving now with hearts over flowing with joy, i can see it in their smiles... i only hope each of you are also feeling that joy and pure ecstatic love in your heart for where you are (where ever that is) and if your not i beg of you please ... gift yourself that joy... even if it feels impossible, heartbreaking or scary... deep inside you know where your meant to be and what your meant to be doing... it could be as simple as decided to go for an afternoon walk, or as bizarre as building a bike and cycleing across england ... but if it gives you that joy, the deep inner glowing light which shoots up from your roots through your spine and over your head like sunshine when you think of being in that space... then do it...

... please.

Part 22 - Cambodia to Thailand - jungle temples and BKK.

So its been a long time since I put to page my journey. Nearly 3 months I would say and the longer a I leave it the harder it becomes to sit at a screen and compile my thoughts.

Where did I leave you? I guess it was somewhere in south eastern Cambodia, with the dry burning forests, Khmer smiles and the Rouge scars of a recent history now glittered up with a new wave of tourist opportunities. Cambodia hit me hard and I fell in love with the people... however I didn’t stay long, in fact it was just about 3 weeks after arriving that I found myself crossing the border to Thailand where I am now, almost 3 months later.
I spent about 5 days at the Nature Lodge in South East Cambodia slightly disgruntled at what I found there...I was feeling short of money and looking for the familiar sensation of roots culture and hippies I left behind so many months before in Europe...but here again I found myself in backpacker world where everyone had “done” this country or that and was “doing” Asia before “doing” India and had already “done” China...a terminology I’ve noticed slipping from my own mouth in the past which when I think about it makes me feel a bit cheap and dirty, as if my experience of a country could be likened to that of a quick shag... The time to settle down somewhere and rekindle my bright spirit and love for travel was fast approaching I could feel...I had hoped Nature Lodge might have been that place but I was wrong, so onward I went. I discovered a friend of mine from Brighton days was currently in Siam Reap with his girlfriend and her baby so leaving the land of $5 a day push bike rentals (which compared to the $1 a day id seen everywhere else I found quite steep) I boarded a little bus back towards the Mekong and past, up to Siam Reap... now so may months later I barely remember this journey, I’m sure I befriended someone or another which made the hours go past a lot quicker but soon enough I landed in Seam Reap and found my familiar friends from the Apple Lands.
We spent the next few days in Seam Reap, swimming in the hotels swimming pool with the baby and walking the city streets past the bars and night clubs drinking our fruit smoothies by night, a luxury. We took a day trip out one day to Angkor Watt in the glaring heat of the day we rode with out friendly tuktuk driver around the ancient temples. The admition to the site was $20 and I’d previously decided that as I’m ‘suddenly’ on a minimum budget (I think by this point I was down to a couple of hundred pounds left) it was out of my price range. However I’d mentioned to my dad that I wouldn’t go and he said “what!? Hell I’ll give you $20 to go, you must!” (...in actuality he contacted me and gifted me with 500 pounds upon hearing that I was getting to a point where I was considering even going home because of my lack of funds. Wow what a gift (or a great way to keep me away longer haha), and full of gratitude I promised myself I wouldn’t waist it away. ...in fact I’ve done pretty well and still have it 3 months later but how that happened is later on in the story, and also completely laced with gratitude and thanks.)
So! Angkor Watt. Wow... what a magic land, despite my slight pain in my heart at paying $20 for one day (I must point out the pain in my heart would not have existed if the money was going to the Khmer people, however I had heard from a few sources that it had been bought out by an oil company so all profits to this ancient sacred site would go straight towards a money guzzling corporation... to finish my original mention of the price this was the main reason why I had considering not going at all.) I could not deny it was well worth the trip. These ancient temples all hand carved and compiled so so many years ago, having survived extreme heat and rains and the onslaught of the Khmer Rouge still stood tall and strong. We saw only 4 of the temples in the one day we had to look around and each of them shone in their own unique way, beautiful carvings of dancing girls and Buddhas, the Hinduism and Buddhism mixed in a big melting pot of stone. However there was only one of them I truly wanted to see. The name of it slips my mind right now but I remember watching Baraka when I was 18, I saw clips of it jumbled in with a million other breath breaking images of our planet and it griped my heart. Here in what was for so many many years thick jungle stood a temple built by man of stone...and as time passed, and man passed, jungle returned. The Nature grew over wall and roof, embracing stone and rock to create a true temple of trunk and tree. Its brings to mind the line from a Dizraeli song “I’d rather one tree than a forest of cathedrals” (Good God, Dizraeli) So today where once man would have come to worship father gods they come to admire mother nature, pupils wide in the low light taking in every single glimpse of her awe inspiring beauty they can... for without her this is just another temple amongst the others...

The next day we boarded a bus to Thailand. The northern boarder of Cambodia and Thailand was currently having a little tantrum with each other over the ownership of a temple and its surrounding land, so while children threw their toys into each others prams risking the lives of innocents the tourist and foreigners took the southern border crossings until it died down. At the border my English friends (Simon and Victoria) were whisked through swiftly out of the heat with the baba and I was not to see them again until southern Thailand as I crossed at a slower pace befriending some people along the way.

Here I was, in Thailand... having not been here since I was 3 years old its was a strange “Coming back to” and “first time here” feeling as I got into a small air conditioned mini bus with 5 others (quite a luxury compared to the rickety mini buses in Cambodia packed full with the back door open and people hanging out sitting on the luggage). I blinked and I was in Bangkok. Koh San road. The noise penetrated my brain, the energy quickened my heart rate, no joke. I felt an excited buzz in me as I bid fare well to the minibus friends and went to change my dollars and buy myself some noodles. Strolling along in the early evening with backpack, guitar and noodles I got the feeling I would see someone I knew here pretty soon amongst the trance music and street stalls and sure enough there they were. Amaya and Joshua, my two walking friends from northern Laos who I had journeyed with up the Nam Ou river to meet Lilly a month before. They had been birthday celebrating in the park today and had neon paint and glitter streaked across their faces. Greeted with smiles and a quick “how’s it been” they were swallowed up again into the crowd within minutes and I turned back alone to digest my noodles and this fast pace place. I had been told about a hostel with dorm beds for 50baht a night (about 1 pound) but not knowing where it was or how to get there I grabbed a tuktuk to take me, a surprising challenge when the place was on the other side of the river and it was rush hour traffic. The tuktuk stopped outside the Overstay; a squat like bar and hostel where I was to make my home for the night. This was on one level a wicked place and on another a complete shock. Reminiscent of The Magpie back on stokes croft in Bristol it had that party squat vibe with paintings and creativity scattered around the place and bunk beds built of doors and scrap wood. In actuality if I had been in the mood for city night partying and there hadn’t have been bed bugs I would have been fine here but the contrast of the quietness of Cambodia to the buzz of Bangkok had drilled a migraine into my head and by the next afternoon I was scrambling to the train station to head south the Koh Phangan where I had heard rumors of other Brightonites hiding out in the tropical climates for the winter. As i was swiftly packing my back to catch the night train down to the south of Thailand i spied a friendly French girl alone on a bunk bed and asked if she’d like to come with me. She said yes pretty much instantly and packed her stuff too. Here was my new Travel buddy, Aurora (actually her name was slightly different but I cant work out how to spell it so the northern lights she shall be).
We were to take a bus to the train station and book tickets onto the overnight train out of big city and head south across Thailand towards the Islands. As we walked along the platform i had a good vibe about this long journey up ahead. We had saved money by not paying for a bed but deciding to take a seated carriage instead. As we stepped into the carriage I saw why my feeling was good. There was one of my Cambodia to Bangkok bus journey friends alongside another south American guy with dreads and a guitar! What a perfect crew for a long train ride, aside from us the carriage was empty and as we shot through the night we leant out the windows of the restaurant cart letting the drunken bustle behind buzz and the rice paddies and my screams were dragged into the past. Later that night I perched at the end of the carriage where there was no door to the outside world and sat with my legs hanging out of the train, palm trees and fields flying past at high speed and my heart was full of ecstasy.. pure joy for being alive. Moments where suddenly the world would disappear and a sheer wall of brush would be flat up against my face rushing past reminding me of the delicacy of life...

....I let all worries be left outside with the night and my heart sailed its way south through Thailand.


I am going to break this up into pieces so I will finish here :)

Love and light to you all from my Jungle Home.

xx