part 12 - the yellow post it notes and vipassana school drop out.

now i am battling with a yoyo migrane, it keeps coming and going. Aside from that though im feeling pretty steady in my heart, the longing to be back in England is subsiding and i'm seeing where i am now a little more...

I spent about 4 days with Chris and Satoko in Okayama reveling in a home from home feeling. A wonderful time spent with homeland friends, relaxed and slow, no pressure to be "sight seeing" or anything. However, as always when i settle, leaving was difficult. Again i was up-tugging my roots and wondering on, abut 2 hours to be exact. Walking with my pack and guitar out to the city limits to find a good road to hitch from. I stood there with my sign for all of about 10 minutes before a car pulled in and a guy said he could take me all the way to kyoto station which was a 3 hours ride away, it was only when we got there that i realized it was about half hour off his route. Again another example of how eternally giving and friendly the Japanese seem to be. It hard not to create stereotypes (and i certainly dont want to make a rule of thumb by them) but i do feel that within every culture there are themes of behavioral and emotional patterns that differ slightly from another culture, indeed i actually find it ignorant of me to believe that western people born and brought up in south east England will have the same deep set themes as someone born and bread in the far east in Japan. This is the beauty of cultures. So I feel no shame in saying, in my experience the Japanese people are so often consistently kind and generous and so often go out of their way to help. To top it off, it never feels as though they resent the action of doing it either, its just what you do, its normal... if someone needs help, and you can offer it then you help. I take this on as a lesson and hope i remember it.

In kyoto I was planning on staying with two friends of my previous couch surfer (from when i first arrived in Japan) Caroline, their names are Brian and Cindy and what a couple they are :) They've been together 13 years, since their college days and bounce in jokes and out jokes off each other like a truely satisfying air hockey game. (you remember the feeling, being at the bowling alley and spending a pound on the air hockey table, and when you got a good few minutes of whacking before someone scored a goal).

One night whilst chatting to Mike on the phone I was browsing up pictures on the screen in front of me (as i often do when theres a crazy screen staring at me while i'm on the phone) and i came across an old picture of me in canada dancing with my friend Pest who was on stilts, the picture was part of a group entitled something about Pests Journey and out of curiosity i clicked on the link.... completely unprepared for what i was about to find. A mention about "her 25 years" and i got a bit worried, and then a link to a news site and my fears were confirmed. 17th November last year Pest was murdered on Hornby Island, Canada. "fuck" i said, interrupting Mike. "what?" he said... i told him... and he gave me a minute to read the article...i got to the line " "no no no" he i heared a man screaming "my daughter!" " and i could read no further...

I stayed at Brian and Cindy's for two nights before heading off to the vipassana centre. It's outside of kyoto by about an hour and a half, train and then bus ride. On the bus it was pretty much all full of vipassana students on their way to the course but i was the only foreigner, however i sat at the back with two hippy types and had a small convocation with them... but it seemed my silence had already began, from the moment i left that morning i didnt feel to speak... it felt good to be going somewhere. I've always loved public transport and the feeling of sitting on buses or train, going somewhere but not needing to worry about it, just sitting and watching people. When i was at college i did over two hours a day on the trains two and from the school and loved the journey so much. When we arrived at the centre (a van came to collect us and drove us out into the mountains further, the autumnal colours of the trees sparking that end of year fire of creativity in me) instantly men were separated from women and we began our registration, giving away all our valuables to be looked after and signing the forms to agree to do the course etc etc. I had a lovely convocation with an older lady who had traveled many times in thai land and a girl with curly hair who seemed of a similar ilk to myself. before long we were in the dorm rooms, building our beds and after a meal we began our silence.

Vipassana Meditation courses are run for 10 days holding up the action of "noble silence" which means not only no talking, but no eye contact, physical contact, communication in any form and a still and silent mind; so no chatting away to yourself in you head...this was by far the hardest part for me and eventually became my down fall.

The first night was nice, sitting in the hall with everyone feeling the newness of the situation, trying to focus on the end of my nose and the feeling of the breath but those fires of creativity were already burning strong and images were coming to me of things i could draw, make, create, sew, sing, write and even teach... 9 pm came and we all headed off to bed.

The gong rang at 4am and from deep deep vivid dreams i rose. My dreams are like a second reality to me, nearly always i remember them and over the last few months they have become disturbingly realistic and often take me home to my friends and give me the recharge time of the comfort of familiarity which i often so lack in my waking life these days. I rose and stretched my body, I have difficulty touching my toes with my legs straight and get sharp pains in my back when i try, due to many years of a bad posture i think, and after sitting upright in the half lotus for a few hours the night before i had already realised now was a good time to sort that out. Across the room from me was my long haired older lady friend who like me had a tenancy towards stretching and often i think we would inspire the other to start stretching. by 4.30 the gong had rung again and we were up in the hall meditating... my mind found a few moments of early morning stillness before flicking to life, more images creative ideas, situations...infact the antics of googley swan and the possible situations and comments she had on the whole experience had me physically holding back laughter in the meditation hall...one time i even had to turn a giggle into a cough (we had been told part of the noble silence was "no jokes!" ... so i figured internal jokes weren't aloud either).

Dont get me wrong the teachings were really strong and every night when we sat infront of the telly to watch the teacher give the lesson i left the room afterwards with (besides a headache from staring at a tv for so long) a strong feeling inside me of understanding in his truths, and there is indeed much truth in what he was saying i think. Basic human truths of acting from a place of honesty and love and kindness and knowing yourself... but for some reason when it came to actually doing the practice i couldn't do it. I was raging in my mind with all the things he said were weaknesses of the mind, "imagination", "craving", "passion", even "anger" though to me the "craving" was craving to be creative..and i quite liked that feeling, it didn't feel like it was a destructive craving, and the "passion" was just a fire for life and the earth and energies and love, and the "imagination"? ..well i live and always have done, part of my life in the realms of imagination and i see tat in someways as a strength, it makes me quite adaptable and means i can cope in "boring" situations, the "anger" was just frustration that i felt obliged to be there and that i wasn't aloud to leave..after all we had been told the teacher wouldn't let us go and they had all my money and phone numbers, my journal, everything... but on the level of the teaching i could see all of these were "weaknesses" to reaching the "enlightened" state he was speaking of... but i honestly didn't feel i wanted to go to that state... i just kept thinking "i want to feel light, and free and to live my actions from a place of goodness and kindness and joy" and then i realised that actually i am on that path.. and the most enlightened i feel (by being a sense of lightness, en-lightened) is in situations where the community and wonderful huge tribe of people i know come together and create and spread joy and light into each other..and new people who've never shared it before see that creativity and let it fill them and also feel enlightened ... thats the enlightenment which feels right for me, the enlightenment which i understand and find graspable.

The second night i left the video session and instead of going to meditate for the last half hour of the night i went to my room and i cried, throughout the day Pest's death had been popping into my head and i had even shed some tears in the meditation hall but i felt i couldn't grieve there, i couldnt disturb other people. I cried at the thought that anyone could have it in them to end the life of someone so beautiful, someone who respected the earth and native beliefs and was just living her life in a really positive way.. i cried for every bad action i had known people to do to others and to myself. The manager of the ladies hall heared me and came in "daijobu deska?" (are you ok?) "hai" (yes) i said...she went off up to the hall and came back with two yellow post-it notes from the teacher. one was "elise, please come to the meditation hall at 9.30pm" the other was "elise, remember observe, breathe, breath deeply" it seemed they had been written seperate one before the news of me crying and one after. I went to the hall when asked and the teacher spoke to me when it was my turn to go up to her, she asked how the practice was going and it seemed things had come up for me, i said only (because we are aloud to speak to the teacher) "i'm having difficulties". She said, focus on the end of your nose and try sitting up straight..i nodded and left back to bed to finish my tears into the dream world.

I recieved another post it note the next day simply saying "Elise, please cover your shoulders at all times". My limited traveling wardrobe had my in a loose necked top which i had safety pined tight so my shoulders wouldn't show (and obviously at some point i had failed). The post it notes made me think of good old Amy Star, she would love it... communication by tiny yellow post it notes in a place like that.

Days went by, the hall became stuffier and the windows and shutters always closed. about 8 people had stinking colds and i felt bad for them every time they had a sneaking fit wondering how hard the meditation must be for them. Every moment i could i escaped the stuffy meditation hall i would sneak off quietly to the room to sit on my bed and try to find a quiet place. My long haired friend on the other side of the room would also sneak off and we'd find ourselves siting opposite each other across the room, eyes closed, trying not to form any communication but inevitably i guess some bond was being built. Anyway as time went on my mind wondered more and more until the point where in 10 hours of meditation a day parhaps i was only doing 1 hour of focused meditation at the most the rest was daydreaming and day exploring. One day i got so sick of being inside (we were told we weren't aloud to meditate in the garden) and i was sitting in the room opposite my friend and i looked out the window at the quickly fading autumn "i wish i was out there with you" i said in my head to the trees, as i said it a huge blast of sunlight broke through the clouds and filled the garden with an inviting warmth, i took the sign wrapped myself up in blankets and walked to the garden.

Here i found my peace, briefly my mind quietened down enough, the bird song brought me back to the present when my mind wondered, the wind kissed my top lip giving me a sensation to feel, the trees taught me about stillness.... and the sun set. the gong rang. I joined my fellow students with a new hope in me. We had our 5 pm dinner of fruit and tea and went back to the meditating... but all too soon i was elsewhere. I kept saying to myself "you can stay here, you must, your obliged to, just spend the next 7 days exploring your imagination" but i didn't really believe in the cause for that deep down inside myself.

That night i dreampt i was in a new house in Brighton with Amy Star, drinking tea and eating a huge slice of chocolate cake with a creamy chocolate middle layer. Shanti was upstairs and shouted down to me something. We were living there together. The phone rang and i answered it, it was my dad "hey did i tell you im comming down to see you today?" "no" "well i will be there in an hour, nanny cant come now but i will come alone" "ok see you soon". I put the phone down but then have a sudden sad realisation that I am doing Vipassana and so i am obliged not to speak to my father or see my father or communicate with him. The gong rang. I awoke and knew i didnt need to be there anymore. If i was meant to stay and continue the course then i would be told i couldn't leave (i had already run through every way i could sneak out and get my money and run away but i knew this was dishonest and just flights of crazy drama fanasy) however if i was meant to be able to leave then it would be easy...there would be no resistance.

After 4.30 am 2 hour meditation everyone walked to the breakfast hall (i must admit we got amazing food) and i waiting back by the bedrooms for Ria San, the female dorm manager. "Sumimassen" (excuse me) i wispered "watashi was iki tai" (i want to go), "dokko?" (where?) she replied in her kind soft voice "kyoto...anywhere" i said back... "finish?" she said in english..."hai" (yes). .... "choto mate" (wait one minute) "teacher" she said and disappeared she returned a few minutes later and took me to the room where the teacher was waiting for me. My stomach had begun to to get jittery, i've never been very good at standing up to "authoritative figures" my mind is far more rebellious than my actions and i hate to be an inconvenience. (one of the reasons why i had decided to leave is that i could tell my busy mind was imposing on the study of the other students)

I bowed as i entered and kneeled on the cushion in front of her. "you are having problems with the practice?" she said "yes" i said. I explained that my mind just would not focus and that i had been thinking about leaving the whole time i was there, that i respected the course and the other students and didnt want to be a disruption. "parhaps this is not the path for you, perhaps its not your time, perhaps because you are traveling and traveling brings your mind to the outside world more. So yes. You may go. A car will take you to the station." I thanked her and bowed out of respect (i never bow without meaning it) for her honest heart and her level sight on the situation.

Then i was given breakfast (which i was avoiding because i didnt want to be cheeky and take and take) and a ride to the station. As i was leaving my long haired friend approached me (i was trying to leave descreatly so as not to disturb others but she saw me) and with tears in her eyes she looked right into my eyes (which was such a strange feeling after 4 days of no eyes contact) and said simply "i will miss you" ..i felt a pang of guilt... we had become silent companions...and i was abandoning her. Then the curley haired girl caught me too and ran to me said something in japenese and hugged me. They broke their noble silence for the sake of love. As i walked away part of me felt i had failed the sisters... but i let it go, i had to.

..suddenly i was walking in silence around kyoto city. Sitting by the river. Watching the Heron. Drawing the Heron. Looking at temples. Brian and Cindy were kind enough to take me in at late notice and here i am back in kyoto.

Aside from a yoyo migrane (it keeps coming and going) after 4 days of my eyes closed suddenly being back in daylight and the noise of a city i am faring very well. I found a shop which is stocking my jewellery for a few days while i am here and on wednsday i board a bus to Saitama... in Saitama i will meet Manami.

Manami of my Canadian adventures of 4 or 5 years ago. Manami who i have not seen for so long. One of my Vancouver street life companions.

Im excited.

I can now touch my toes easily and I'm working on reaching my head to my knees when siting down with my leg out straight.

I love.

xoxox

Part 10 - Miracle Island, Kamikakushi

So i sit here now in Kagushima, the place i was in 2 and a half weeks ago before i went to Yakushima... and here i am back again as if nothing happened... There is a word in japanese, Kamikakushi; when the kami kidnap you from this life suddenly and you enter the world of gods for a moment and then find yourself right back where you started again... i guess parhaps this may have just happened to me.

Alot has changed since i went to Kagushima, my heart had a transformation i guess... i am now alone, Jack left Yakushima 4 or 5 days before me and i stayed on to continue my journey alone... intimidating and scary but i know its something i need to do. I have spent many years now complaining and crying out to be independant, to prove to myself i am strong. Poor Mike had to deal with me so often wishing to be else where, alone, doing it myself without him.... and i know why, and i also know now that wishing to be elsewhere is not what i should have been doing. But here i am, Japan, alone, ready to take on the world... afraid.. and embracing my fear, excited and embracing my excitement....

After leaving Karatzu, Tony, and Taiichi (the japenese second place pop idol singer who i spent a day jamming with in the Central Park bar) the hitch south was quick and easy. We made it to our destination in Kagoshima, southern Kyushu, within the day before nightfall. Jack and I decided to skip Kumamoto for now and head straight to Kagoshima where our couchsurfer Fiona was waiting for us, then head to yakushima island for the weekend. Fiona had a long weekend off work and also wanted to visit Yakushima so we were going to all go on a little adventure together. We arrived in Kagoshima a few hours before Fiona finished work and a few minutes before the heavens opened. Jack and i found refuge under a shelter at a Tram station where we wiled an hour or so away playing xaphoon and drum to the passers by. The rain was like a never ending torrent, sheets of it falling from the sky, everything was soaked around us... and poor Fiona when she came to meet us was too wet through... I'd scored black and pink polkadot umbrella with a frilly edge from a forgetful tram user and pointless as it was offered it to her, but as she pointed out she was allready wet through so i kept it for myself. That night Fiona's friend Sandy also arrived to join the adventure and we went out for a little cake and tea bonding time then off to bed for an early start the next morning. Our new little collection of buddies was quite a nice change from the duo i'd become used to. Fiona is English and Sandy, South African and they are both teaching english in the area. Sandy and Fiona became quite a highlight for me over the next few days as i got to know them, each for their own unique reasons. Fiona i bonded with on a really nice girl to girl level, after 2 and a bit months of me and men it felt like a real breath of fresh air to find a girl vaguely on my level who i could climb around in bushes with. Sandy on the other hand is not really a bush climbing kind of girl...well she would be i'm sure, if spiders didnt exist. Sandy appeared to me to be a girl who had a million reasons to have a problem and yet behind every problem or pain or ache... was a beautiful golden shining heart..and as the weekend progressed i appreciated her shining golden heart more and more (and found reasons to appreciate her constant threat of a panic attack from fear of there perhaps being a spider hiding somewhere ready to jump out and murder her brutally). The ferry ride over was quite uneventful (literally i slept the whole way) and we used the time to rest after our 6 am wake up. Upon arriving on the island I was instantly blown away by the nature here. So far north and yet seemingly tropical. The air was lush and warm, damp. A rain storm had been passing for the past few days and you could see the plant life had been drinking it in. We waisted no time at all and after a quick stock up in the super market of muelsi, fruits and veg we got down to buisness. First thing on the agenda... Onsen! We started hitching towards the south of the island where we had insider information that the best onsen in Yakushima was, and they weren't wrong. As we decended the lush green lined steps down to the onsen the sea opened up before us. The hot spring came up right on the edge of the tide line so half the day the onsen was under water and the other half the tide retreated to reveal a set of man made rock pools with steaming hot water in them. Wow. Now in outside onsens the pools are mixed and out of modesty i guess men hold a tiny towel infront of their bits as they walk around (though it seems a bit pointless to me as they put it down when washing before going into the pool and when ever they turn around or get into the water you see the whole lot anyway) and i found out later that women are supposed to wrap a sarong or towel around themselves while they were in the water. I didnt have a towel or a sarong so we played the Gaijin card and stripped off down to our bouncy bits and spent a good few hours lolling about in the rain in the onsen, climbing down into the sea to cool down when the water got too hot for us. The water here is rich with sulphur and a soft white agae grows on all the rocks in the pools. The sulpher had a really interesting effect on my silver jewelery and turned my rings first bright purple, then green, then blue then red then black... they are still recovering but its slowly rubbing off.

We watched the sun cross the sky and the tide come closer, lap across the rocks and slowly the pools became too cold to sit in anymore.

After we dressed and headed up to the road. Time to find a place to sleep for the night. We decided to look for a beach that had near access to toilets and minimal spiders :) Standing by the side of the road with our thumbs out as the sun was swiftly sinking.... and in pulled a small silver car. A sticker on the boot said "Guppy" which probably means more to me than most of you. The guy driving said he would give us a ride to where we had decided to head towards but as we were getting in i got an urge and i said to him "do you know anywhere good we could camp for the night" with an incling of what happen... he looked thoughtful and then smiled "my house?". We all looked at each other and shared a moment of "wow people are amazing" before saying yes and climbing in. "its very comfortable" he said as he drove us to a look out point to watch the sunset. We drummed the last rays down and boarded the Guppy Waggon and drove back to his place. Infact his house was the other direction from the onsen and he had only been passing because of a momentary urge to go and watch the sunset. We pulled up to his house which was set back from the road amongst the trees. "I have no electricity" he said and if you need to go to toilet, for shitting we go down there" he pointed down towards the river. "but its very comfortable" I past a momentary thought for Sandy, and hoped that it wasn't going to be all too much for her, after all im quite used to sleeping in dirty scummy places and shitting in holes but that didnt mean i should inflict it on anyone else...

..Luckily for us he was right, his hut was very comfortable.... parhaps inspiring... and parhaps not the most water proof of cabins in the world but still comfortable. The space was lit by candle light. The hut built from mud and wood, no panes in the windows, just shutters held closed with sticks. Scattered around the room were rocks that the builder of the house had built the floor around and in centre place by the fire pit was a tree, still alive, growing up towards and out of the ceiling. It was like a mix between a Tipi and a cottage. In the corner was a clay pizza oven that looked like it hadn't been used for a very very long time and decorating evey rafter, corner and shelf where the torsos of dead spiders, cobwebs and strange many legged centepede creatures. However, in the glow of the little fire it was hard to deny that it definatly was "comfortable" and Sohey (our new friend) from here on in never failed to act from his ever giving open heart. This became my home for the next 2 and a half weeks.

The next day was the only full day the girls had on the island and we decided to go up the mountain a bit and see some of the ancient Sugi (cedar) trees of yakushima. Sohey was off to do some rice farming for a friend and had invited us along... the prospect of rice farming was such an exciting idea however i figured my time would come for that and off we all went hitching up the roads to the mountains. Yakkushima is a very small, very round island with a couple of mountain peaks in the centre of it. The incline from sea level to mountain peak is shockingly swift and along with its position so far south in japan and the copious amounts of rain fall it recieves it combines to create an amazing back drop and unique ecosystem. There are over 30,000 plant species on Yakushima, and every japanese plant which growns in the different areas of japan all grow on this one small island. its quite amazing. Headding up and up forrest thickenning and the air warm and moist. The moss covered rocks scattered everywhere reflecting their bigger selves, the huge forrest covered mountains around us. We reached the kigensugi tree we were headed for, a 3,000 year old cedar tree. Ancient, strong, yet now surrounded by a mand made wooden walk way and visted every few second by a new stream of tourists... myself just another part of that stream i guess. It was huge, the base so far round it would take a good 6 people i would say to hug it propperly, However struck by lightning at some point it fell short of height and dwindled at the top to a leafless sparse white crackled trunk. The tree was old, older than old.... older then Christ.... and still alive. But tired. To me i could just feel it as tired. Weather that was just my projection or not i dont know but so much of the forrest here spoke to me, sang at me, lush green bubbling life. But this tree had become just another a tourist attraction, a photo opportunity. On one level its so amazing to have such a wide and easy access to beautiful sacred places like this, but on another level... theres something special about the pilgrimage to reach the sacred place which makes it all the more sacred, and this tree was right beside the road, sign posted and marked on an easy to read map with cute cartoon characters marking the way. I felt bad for the tree. A little ashamed. Whispered a prayer. Then i took my photo opportunity and left.... like millions before me...and millions after.

After the tree we still had an urge for some nature, some un signposted nature so walking along the road further up the mountain Fiona and I dipped into the forrest and clambered away from the road. Here boulders blocked the routes we took and fallen trees became pathways. Roots clung onto huge rocks as if clinging for dear life as the huge trees tower up from their precarious, mudless base. We came upon a River at one point running under the road and removing shoes and leaving backs behind we followed the stepping stone rocks around moist corners and damp bends, minature moss worlds towered around us. At one point i was on ahead and watching the sunlight stream across my path through the trees when a small green hellecopter hovered barely a meter and a half from my face. It was a bright green insect and appeared to have a rotating wings like a hellecopter.... it hovered there for a few seconds, pondering what its next movement in life should be. Then life got bored of waiting. Out of the trees, following the river of sunlight flew a small bird, and right there in front of my eyes snapped up this insect in its beak and landed on a nearby branch, green twitching in its mouth. I guess sometimes life decides for you.

That night we lay down to rest our weary heads after eating beautiful simple food that Sohey had made us and playing music round his fire. The next morning the girls got ready to head back to kagushima and Sohey and I waved them off at the side of the road, it was sad to see them go, i felt i'd built quite a connection with them both :) Its nice to bump into English people. Turns out Fiona knows Cheesey in bristol which was a nice coincidence and was there on the scene in the days of the Tesco Riots and Jesters. It all seems so long ago now. Bristol, so far away.

Finally i got to experience rice farming on this day. We trundled out into the blistering heat to Naoki's rice field and there i stood, barefooted up to my ankles in oriental earth. Knife in hand. Sun in my heart. Spiders and centipedes laughing at my toes, making jokes and tickling me as they did so. I felt bad in some ways, ripping up their homes. As i swiped down and cut these chunks of rice from the ground i tried to work out how many handfulls it would take to make a bowl. (about 6) and how many millions of bowls of rice must be eaten each day in Japan...and how i'd never considered before when eating the rice how each little grain came from a stem of many, and how each stem was integral in the field to helping to fill another bowl. Especially in this field as it was not a commercial field, but a field which some locals had worked together on and were all going to split the rice at the end of the harvest once it was all good and dried. The community spirit was amazing and slowly more people, men, women and children turned up and got working on the field. Half way through i stoped the cutting and joined the people tying the bundles of rice up ready to be hung to dry and i watched as what was, only a few hours earlyer, a field full of rice plants slowly recede back and back until we were left with a sodden muddy field. At lunch everyone came together and we ate a wonderful array of different japenese foods, so healthy, so simple, wow so blessed to be here. During the day i met so many faces and suddenly felt through helping in the rice fields i had been rewarded with so many new friends. One of whome was Coco the French man. When i first saw him (and its quite easy to spot the Geijin here) i had a feeling about him... that feeling i know so well... "where are you from?" i ask "France" he says "oh where in france?" "the alps" oh really... where abouts "near grenobles in the south" .. oh funny that i know the area very well.. i spent a lot of time around Die, his face lights up "thats where im from!" turns out he know La Terriade and David and some of the beautiful people i was with only a few months ago (moments ago so it seems sometimes). We spent many a hour during the next few weeks together playing music and sharing stories of the land we are both so very fond of.

This day, and Sohey, was a gate way to many amazing experiences for the next 2 and a half weeks. Suddenly i was part of a huge family of people, so reminicent of my own family of friends back in england. People who respected the earth and understood good food and music. People who hold community and family so highly. I spent every day on the island with my new friends learning and growing.

One lady i met was called Yoshie, shes in her late 40's and had recently moved to yakushima (as so it seems has many of them) from Tokyo. She became a dear friend over the next few weeks and i'd spend days with her drinking from her endless knowledge of wild foods in the area and medicinal plants. The plant life here is so diverse and so so different from those of the homelands. Leaves are huge and lush and it seems every other plant is medicine.A few times we tried plant dyeing, which is something i've been wanting to do for years. First try, banana leaves on the Kabado. The Kabado is a traditional japenese cooker (looked a bit like this one

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm4.static.flickr.com%2F3624%2F3631521793_8286fcb214_z.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2Ftanaka_juuyoh%2F3631521793%2F&usg=__B48MMvR9weoO_7AImjHEQX7IbMM%3D&h=427&w=640&sz=120&hl=en&start=69&sig2=VYf1ZOfIkcCXntP6u1tVUw&zoom=1&tbnid=Jid4hsOzsRYtBM%3A&tbnh=165&tbnw=266&ei=iIjOTKeYIZHmvQP5xIEB&prev=%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dkamado%2Btraditional%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1366%26bih%3D667%26tbs%3Disch%3A10%2C1880&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=357&oei=XojOTL2HJY62vQPug73RDw&esq=23&page=4&ndsp=18&ved=1t%3A429%2Cr%3A15%2Cs%3A69&tx=118&ty=151&biw=1366&bih=667 ) which even the site of evokes images to me of ancient japanese people cooking rice in bamboo steamers piled on top. The banana leaves didn't work as a side note. Next time we tried Kusagi berries which are a brilliant blue colour and Yoshie had heared the colour stay is so good they dont need a mordant. We tried with just water and kusagi and the colour indeed was amazing but unfortunatly didnt stay... but the next time i went to visit her i got overwealmed with an urge to try it again this time with less water and on top of the hob, boiling the water as we did it. SUCESS! and ive never seen such a lovely colour come from a plant yet. A beautiful turqoisey sky blue.

( kusagi http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fksbookshelf.com%2FDW%2FFlower%2Fimage%2FkusagiF.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fksbookshelf.com%2FDW%2FFlower%2FFruit1.htm&usg=__24lk_2XG0VPQFJRKN4WCiUoot60%3D&h=360&w=480&sz=61&hl=en&start=0&sig2=Xudf4CVpPhFsDHLqmTaHDQ&zoom=1&tbnid=R5RwDjiXWb1XsM%3A&tbnh=131&tbnw=175&ei=gonOTLH-L4bovQOylKDEDw&prev=%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dkusagi%2Bberry%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1366%26bih%3D667%26tbs%3Disch%3A1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=311&vpy=343&dur=150&hovh=194&hovw=259&tx=127&ty=115&oei=gonOTLH-L4bovQOylKDEDw&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=29&ved=1t%3A429%2Cr%3A15%2Cs%3A0 )

Other days were spent with Yoshie in the onsen talking to the locals, with her my fire to learn about plant medicines and natural birthing was fired up again and i spoke to her often about the idea of studying to become a Doula. (on a side note Yoshie's English was limited to about 20 words and my Japanese even less and we managed to have some very indepth convocation on this... amazing). One day she asked to hear some of mikes music, withing under a minute of hearing his piano on my mp3 player her eyes were streaming. she took the headphones out and looked at me shaking her head. "you cant leave yakushima fleassy. If fleassy stays in Yakushima, Mike will come here. I have heard his music in the forrest" I cried with her.

Other days were spent walking little paths with Coco, hunting out beautiful waterfalls that he knew of, then striping down to our bouncy bits and jumping into the fresh clean water. Ever since i can remember i have had an unexplainable fear of water... i do wonder when that began and why but it was also balanced with a complete love of the feeling of swimming and a fascination with sea creatures as a little girl. However the idea of getting into large areas of water filled me with fear, even puting my face straight under the shower is a difficult thing for me to do,even now. However i am aware that these fears come from an irrational thing inside meand the waters of Yakushima called me so often, i did not jump in ever...or dive... but i did slip into the beautiful deep pools of water at every oppotunity..even if i did have to psyche myself up for it first haha. Dad, Mum, any idea why i have this fear of water? You didnt try to get rid of me in a sack full of kittens when i was a baby or anything did you?

As we walked through the mountain trails we would come across families of Yaku Monkeys who would sit and watch us from a few meters away, sussing us out before scamplering up the trees. The males would find a branch (preferably one covered in rain water right above out heads) to shake and shake and shake to let us know he was king in this area... one time coco grabbed another tree and shook it back at him... he looked a little confused and then turned away. But watching these wild monkeys so closely was amazing. They arent like the raggle taggle indian monkeys begging for food and stealing what they cant blag, these monkey are like the shanti buddah monkeys of ancient japan. They sit and watch as the world moves around then and just carry on with their monkey lives...often in the middle of the road.

One time a snake crossed our path and we stopped for a moment to touch its tail "please dont do this to snakes you find in australia" said Coco to me. I walked with him writing haiku's in my head like many ancient poets before me would have done on these paths and as quick as i created them often i would set them free...un uttered and perfect.

A particuarly special day was when Sohey decided to take us to visit a secret ancient Banyan tree on the island. I say secret because its just a tree in a forrest, no tourist trails, no sign posts, no maps... He drove us round the edge of the island and we watched as a typhoon let out its angst on the waves and the land scape changed as we left the pacific side. The tree was parhaps one of the greatest things i have ever encountered, a towering beast of a million silent legs, moving so slowly that my eyes can not see where its heading, but yet heading some where it must be. The roots were like tree trunks, a small forrest of its self. I stood amongst them and Sohey mentioned how easy the tree was to climb, no sooner had he said it I found myself 20 foot up and dangling from a root. Arms and legs free, hanging sloth like. Gravity pressing my womb hard against this ancient plant. It was the most grounded i felt all day.

That evening we visited some of Sohey's friend on the north of the island, here i played music and laughed and shared food and drink with wonderful people, and was even dressed up in a kimono for my very own chance to be a photo opportunity.

For 7 days a typhoon raged across the seas, heading to China. On the islands further south it caused mahem, houses flooded and people died... i suffered only the discomfort of a damp sleeping bag. I spend these days either with Mica and Coco baking bread and sharing music and food, or off with Yoshie teaching and learning. But the damp doesnt just sit in the air, coating the bed and all my clothes but slowly it seeps into the heart. I spend many a moment filled with the scent of my homelands, dreaming of my friends back in england. Filled with their music, their laughter and their open love and friendship, filled with love and respect for them...and filled with a burning desire to feel them closer to me. How strange to be in a place so idilic and beautiful, a place with was constantly feeding me and filling me...and to still be yearning for more... I guess this is something i am looking at now, for its this yearning for more which caused me to leave in the first place, and this yearning for more which leaves me so unsatisfied all too often... and causes me to rsh through and round things... so i realise now im on a journey to slow my self down, and root my heart in the present more... kind of strange to be doing that whilst traveling across the planet. I spent many of these days writing my journey down in the form of a letter, which i will soon post all the way back to Rosie, who is now in spain. Some how writing to people i love calms the aching in my heart. Many times all i wanted was to speak to mike, but with little internet acess points the closest i got was to call him from a computer with no microphone...luckily he knew it was me and i sat and listened to his voice for an hour while he talked into an empty phone and sang songs to no response. Thanks Mike.

Another big shift that Yakushima brought was the parting of Jack and myself. It had been in my heart and mind for a while now (and probably his too) lingering like a bad smell... this constant desire to be away on my own, doing it for myself. I guess also the inevitable of differences in personality, communication breakdown and the like from spending 24/7 with a stranger for 2 months also didnt help and by the time the day came for Jack to leave it seemed so inevitable that it didnt seem like too big a deal. We had shared some amazing experiences together and im really greatfull for the role he's played in my jounrey so far, i have learnt a lot from him and our friendship. Also i doubt i would have even left for the journey had someone like him not given me an excuse to do so, if i had gone alone i would probably still be at La Terriade or back in bristol now. (not that either of these eventualities sound so bad to me, and i wish for both of them often) He stepped out into the pouring rain, bag on back, and waved me farewell... i waved back and with a smile we parted. I gave him a toothbrush... but not my umbrella.

Also soon, too soon, my time to leave Yakushima came. I decided to try and use the pizza oven which Sohey had told me he had never used and to invite some of the lovely people i had met over for food and music. I had left my camera up in the north of the island and after work Sohey (that ever giving, shining example of a man) drove all the way up there (over an hours drive) to pick it up and bring it back. Mean while i sat and waited for the guests. In the stillness of the cabin i sat and listened to the millions of insects arranging their orchestra outside, tunning up for the final concert of their lives i guess. I built a fire. I played my guitar. I cooked some food by candle light. I stoked the fire. I swept the pizza oven. I made dough. i played guitar again. I began to wonder if anyone would come. I made myself a chapatti. and suddenly there was Mica at the door, her beautiful face (she is like the asian godsess mermaid of the stories, a strong and beautiful woman) beaming in the candle light. She was followed by Yohey and Naomi and their new born baby Mai. The smiliest family i have ever met. Yohey's face moulded into a smile, his eyes barely ever more than slits to create as much space as possible for his cheeks and mouth to curve. glowing. both of them. Then Naoki arrived, and finaly Sohey came home. the pizza was a disaster but everyone contributed food to the evening and we ate well and drifted of to soft lulling music that we played, backed by the orchestra outside. Naomi offered to drive me north to the ferry in the morning and as we said our goodbyes to every body hey and yohey handed me a rock, a quarts rock. "yakushima" they both said to me, smiling, glowing and nodding. My very own piece of yakushima to take with me.

to be honest its big and heavy and not the ideal traveling companion but the gesture meant more than words could say to me.

The next morning as i sat in Naomi's van and we headed north i bid farewell to the mountains, who were playing hide and seek amongst the clouds. Another typhoon was reported to be on the way, this one heading right for yakushima and you could see it in he waves. The sea was grey.

and suddenly i was on the ferry. watching my miracle island slip away.

and suddenly i was in Fiona's appartment again. Yakushima, a dream. A vision. Here i was back in the city, making halloween costumes for googley swan ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ykg-YVUEhc ) and Fiona and eating ice cream and pizza. Busking in the shopping centre. Noise. Lights. Yet out of the window in Fiona's place, between the blocks of flat and building sits Sakurajima. Silent, dorment, ocasionally puffing out ash. Even here amongst the concrete and supermarket theme songs, the spirit if the japenese land is present. The silence amongst the mayhem.

Tomorrow i hitch north, towards Kumamoto where i visit my mums friends and mount Aso San. Heres to doing it for myself. Heres to being afraid, excited and ready. heres to facing my biggest fears, water, my musicality and being alone.

Thanks Yakushima.