now i am battling with a yoyo migrane, it keeps coming and going. Aside from that though im feeling pretty steady in my heart, the longing to be back in England is subsiding and i'm seeing where i am now a little more...
I spent about 4 days with Chris and Satoko in Okayama reveling in a home from home feeling. A wonderful time spent with homeland friends, relaxed and slow, no pressure to be "sight seeing" or anything. However, as always when i settle, leaving was difficult. Again i was up-tugging my roots and wondering on, abut 2 hours to be exact. Walking with my pack and guitar out to the city limits to find a good road to hitch from. I stood there with my sign for all of about 10 minutes before a car pulled in and a guy said he could take me all the way to kyoto station which was a 3 hours ride away, it was only when we got there that i realized it was about half hour off his route. Again another example of how eternally giving and friendly the Japanese seem to be. It hard not to create stereotypes (and i certainly dont want to make a rule of thumb by them) but i do feel that within every culture there are themes of behavioral and emotional patterns that differ slightly from another culture, indeed i actually find it ignorant of me to believe that western people born and brought up in south east England will have the same deep set themes as someone born and bread in the far east in Japan. This is the beauty of cultures. So I feel no shame in saying, in my experience the Japanese people are so often consistently kind and generous and so often go out of their way to help. To top it off, it never feels as though they resent the action of doing it either, its just what you do, its normal... if someone needs help, and you can offer it then you help. I take this on as a lesson and hope i remember it.
In kyoto I was planning on staying with two friends of my previous couch surfer (from when i first arrived in Japan) Caroline, their names are Brian and Cindy and what a couple they are :) They've been together 13 years, since their college days and bounce in jokes and out jokes off each other like a truely satisfying air hockey game. (you remember the feeling, being at the bowling alley and spending a pound on the air hockey table, and when you got a good few minutes of whacking before someone scored a goal).
One night whilst chatting to Mike on the phone I was browsing up pictures on the screen in front of me (as i often do when theres a crazy screen staring at me while i'm on the phone) and i came across an old picture of me in canada dancing with my friend Pest who was on stilts, the picture was part of a group entitled something about Pests Journey and out of curiosity i clicked on the link.... completely unprepared for what i was about to find. A mention about "her 25 years" and i got a bit worried, and then a link to a news site and my fears were confirmed. 17th November last year Pest was murdered on Hornby Island, Canada. "fuck" i said, interrupting Mike. "what?" he said... i told him... and he gave me a minute to read the article...i got to the line " "no no no" he i heared a man screaming "my daughter!" " and i could read no further...
I stayed at Brian and Cindy's for two nights before heading off to the vipassana centre. It's outside of kyoto by about an hour and a half, train and then bus ride. On the bus it was pretty much all full of vipassana students on their way to the course but i was the only foreigner, however i sat at the back with two hippy types and had a small convocation with them... but it seemed my silence had already began, from the moment i left that morning i didnt feel to speak... it felt good to be going somewhere. I've always loved public transport and the feeling of sitting on buses or train, going somewhere but not needing to worry about it, just sitting and watching people. When i was at college i did over two hours a day on the trains two and from the school and loved the journey so much. When we arrived at the centre (a van came to collect us and drove us out into the mountains further, the autumnal colours of the trees sparking that end of year fire of creativity in me) instantly men were separated from women and we began our registration, giving away all our valuables to be looked after and signing the forms to agree to do the course etc etc. I had a lovely convocation with an older lady who had traveled many times in thai land and a girl with curly hair who seemed of a similar ilk to myself. before long we were in the dorm rooms, building our beds and after a meal we began our silence.
Vipassana Meditation courses are run for 10 days holding up the action of "noble silence" which means not only no talking, but no eye contact, physical contact, communication in any form and a still and silent mind; so no chatting away to yourself in you head...this was by far the hardest part for me and eventually became my down fall.
The first night was nice, sitting in the hall with everyone feeling the newness of the situation, trying to focus on the end of my nose and the feeling of the breath but those fires of creativity were already burning strong and images were coming to me of things i could draw, make, create, sew, sing, write and even teach... 9 pm came and we all headed off to bed.
The gong rang at 4am and from deep deep vivid dreams i rose. My dreams are like a second reality to me, nearly always i remember them and over the last few months they have become disturbingly realistic and often take me home to my friends and give me the recharge time of the comfort of familiarity which i often so lack in my waking life these days. I rose and stretched my body, I have difficulty touching my toes with my legs straight and get sharp pains in my back when i try, due to many years of a bad posture i think, and after sitting upright in the half lotus for a few hours the night before i had already realised now was a good time to sort that out. Across the room from me was my long haired older lady friend who like me had a tenancy towards stretching and often i think we would inspire the other to start stretching. by 4.30 the gong had rung again and we were up in the hall meditating... my mind found a few moments of early morning stillness before flicking to life, more images creative ideas, situations...infact the antics of googley swan and the possible situations and comments she had on the whole experience had me physically holding back laughter in the meditation hall...one time i even had to turn a giggle into a cough (we had been told part of the noble silence was "no jokes!" ... so i figured internal jokes weren't aloud either).
Dont get me wrong the teachings were really strong and every night when we sat infront of the telly to watch the teacher give the lesson i left the room afterwards with (besides a headache from staring at a tv for so long) a strong feeling inside me of understanding in his truths, and there is indeed much truth in what he was saying i think. Basic human truths of acting from a place of honesty and love and kindness and knowing yourself... but for some reason when it came to actually doing the practice i couldn't do it. I was raging in my mind with all the things he said were weaknesses of the mind, "imagination", "craving", "passion", even "anger" though to me the "craving" was craving to be creative..and i quite liked that feeling, it didn't feel like it was a destructive craving, and the "passion" was just a fire for life and the earth and energies and love, and the "imagination"? ..well i live and always have done, part of my life in the realms of imagination and i see tat in someways as a strength, it makes me quite adaptable and means i can cope in "boring" situations, the "anger" was just frustration that i felt obliged to be there and that i wasn't aloud to leave..after all we had been told the teacher wouldn't let us go and they had all my money and phone numbers, my journal, everything... but on the level of the teaching i could see all of these were "weaknesses" to reaching the "enlightened" state he was speaking of... but i honestly didn't feel i wanted to go to that state... i just kept thinking "i want to feel light, and free and to live my actions from a place of goodness and kindness and joy" and then i realised that actually i am on that path.. and the most enlightened i feel (by being a sense of lightness, en-lightened) is in situations where the community and wonderful huge tribe of people i know come together and create and spread joy and light into each other..and new people who've never shared it before see that creativity and let it fill them and also feel enlightened ... thats the enlightenment which feels right for me, the enlightenment which i understand and find graspable.
The second night i left the video session and instead of going to meditate for the last half hour of the night i went to my room and i cried, throughout the day Pest's death had been popping into my head and i had even shed some tears in the meditation hall but i felt i couldn't grieve there, i couldnt disturb other people. I cried at the thought that anyone could have it in them to end the life of someone so beautiful, someone who respected the earth and native beliefs and was just living her life in a really positive way.. i cried for every bad action i had known people to do to others and to myself. The manager of the ladies hall heared me and came in "daijobu deska?" (are you ok?) "hai" (yes) i said...she went off up to the hall and came back with two yellow post-it notes from the teacher. one was "elise, please come to the meditation hall at 9.30pm" the other was "elise, remember observe, breathe, breath deeply" it seemed they had been written seperate one before the news of me crying and one after. I went to the hall when asked and the teacher spoke to me when it was my turn to go up to her, she asked how the practice was going and it seemed things had come up for me, i said only (because we are aloud to speak to the teacher) "i'm having difficulties". She said, focus on the end of your nose and try sitting up straight..i nodded and left back to bed to finish my tears into the dream world.
I recieved another post it note the next day simply saying "Elise, please cover your shoulders at all times". My limited traveling wardrobe had my in a loose necked top which i had safety pined tight so my shoulders wouldn't show (and obviously at some point i had failed). The post it notes made me think of good old Amy Star, she would love it... communication by tiny yellow post it notes in a place like that.
Days went by, the hall became stuffier and the windows and shutters always closed. about 8 people had stinking colds and i felt bad for them every time they had a sneaking fit wondering how hard the meditation must be for them. Every moment i could i escaped the stuffy meditation hall i would sneak off quietly to the room to sit on my bed and try to find a quiet place. My long haired friend on the other side of the room would also sneak off and we'd find ourselves siting opposite each other across the room, eyes closed, trying not to form any communication but inevitably i guess some bond was being built. Anyway as time went on my mind wondered more and more until the point where in 10 hours of meditation a day parhaps i was only doing 1 hour of focused meditation at the most the rest was daydreaming and day exploring. One day i got so sick of being inside (we were told we weren't aloud to meditate in the garden) and i was sitting in the room opposite my friend and i looked out the window at the quickly fading autumn "i wish i was out there with you" i said in my head to the trees, as i said it a huge blast of sunlight broke through the clouds and filled the garden with an inviting warmth, i took the sign wrapped myself up in blankets and walked to the garden.
Here i found my peace, briefly my mind quietened down enough, the bird song brought me back to the present when my mind wondered, the wind kissed my top lip giving me a sensation to feel, the trees taught me about stillness.... and the sun set. the gong rang. I joined my fellow students with a new hope in me. We had our 5 pm dinner of fruit and tea and went back to the meditating... but all too soon i was elsewhere. I kept saying to myself "you can stay here, you must, your obliged to, just spend the next 7 days exploring your imagination" but i didn't really believe in the cause for that deep down inside myself.
That night i dreampt i was in a new house in Brighton with Amy Star, drinking tea and eating a huge slice of chocolate cake with a creamy chocolate middle layer. Shanti was upstairs and shouted down to me something. We were living there together. The phone rang and i answered it, it was my dad "hey did i tell you im comming down to see you today?" "no" "well i will be there in an hour, nanny cant come now but i will come alone" "ok see you soon". I put the phone down but then have a sudden sad realisation that I am doing Vipassana and so i am obliged not to speak to my father or see my father or communicate with him. The gong rang. I awoke and knew i didnt need to be there anymore. If i was meant to stay and continue the course then i would be told i couldn't leave (i had already run through every way i could sneak out and get my money and run away but i knew this was dishonest and just flights of crazy drama fanasy) however if i was meant to be able to leave then it would be easy...there would be no resistance.
After 4.30 am 2 hour meditation everyone walked to the breakfast hall (i must admit we got amazing food) and i waiting back by the bedrooms for Ria San, the female dorm manager. "Sumimassen" (excuse me) i wispered "watashi was iki tai" (i want to go), "dokko?" (where?) she replied in her kind soft voice "kyoto...anywhere" i said back... "finish?" she said in english..."hai" (yes). .... "choto mate" (wait one minute) "teacher" she said and disappeared she returned a few minutes later and took me to the room where the teacher was waiting for me. My stomach had begun to to get jittery, i've never been very good at standing up to "authoritative figures" my mind is far more rebellious than my actions and i hate to be an inconvenience. (one of the reasons why i had decided to leave is that i could tell my busy mind was imposing on the study of the other students)
I bowed as i entered and kneeled on the cushion in front of her. "you are having problems with the practice?" she said "yes" i said. I explained that my mind just would not focus and that i had been thinking about leaving the whole time i was there, that i respected the course and the other students and didnt want to be a disruption. "parhaps this is not the path for you, perhaps its not your time, perhaps because you are traveling and traveling brings your mind to the outside world more. So yes. You may go. A car will take you to the station." I thanked her and bowed out of respect (i never bow without meaning it) for her honest heart and her level sight on the situation.
Then i was given breakfast (which i was avoiding because i didnt want to be cheeky and take and take) and a ride to the station. As i was leaving my long haired friend approached me (i was trying to leave descreatly so as not to disturb others but she saw me) and with tears in her eyes she looked right into my eyes (which was such a strange feeling after 4 days of no eyes contact) and said simply "i will miss you" ..i felt a pang of guilt... we had become silent companions...and i was abandoning her. Then the curley haired girl caught me too and ran to me said something in japenese and hugged me. They broke their noble silence for the sake of love. As i walked away part of me felt i had failed the sisters... but i let it go, i had to.
..suddenly i was walking in silence around kyoto city. Sitting by the river. Watching the Heron. Drawing the Heron. Looking at temples. Brian and Cindy were kind enough to take me in at late notice and here i am back in kyoto.
Aside from a yoyo migrane (it keeps coming and going) after 4 days of my eyes closed suddenly being back in daylight and the noise of a city i am faring very well. I found a shop which is stocking my jewellery for a few days while i am here and on wednsday i board a bus to Saitama... in Saitama i will meet Manami.
Manami of my Canadian adventures of 4 or 5 years ago. Manami who i have not seen for so long. One of my Vancouver street life companions.
Im excited.
I can now touch my toes easily and I'm working on reaching my head to my knees when siting down with my leg out straight.
I love.
xoxox
what a way with words xxx
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