Tuesday 14 December 2010

Part 14 - goodbye Japan

Today is my last day in Tokyo, tonight I get on a bus and head to Kobe. These last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster but at the moment im feeling relatively sound. I guess there are two ways of dealing with not knowing what is ahead of you, freak out ..or don't. Its good to touch base with both of them just to know what the other feels like. Last week was probably Freak Out mode, this week im just going with it, its all you can do when your on the other side of the world from everything you know, no point fighting against the river trying to get back to the bank you jumped off…best to just see which bank you get taken to next.

Tokyo has been a challenge to me, it really is the most expensive place I have ever visited and the whole place screams consumerism and money from every angle. There are huge TV advert screens in the street and the most horrific pop music I’ve ever heard in my life.
I have spent most of my days making things from leather scraps that Manami’s cousin gave me and when im feeling like its all too much I head off into Tokyo city to Yoyogi park and sit under a tree (or in a tree) with my guitar. There are good things about being in a city with nothing to do though, for one thing it gives me a chance to really watch people as I am the only person who has time to really watch, and I’ve seen some classic moments. One favourite of mine was watching a little boy (about 9) with his huge school rucksack run along some railings with his mobile phone letting it go Clack Clack Clack one each railing as he ran past, an inventive alternative to the traditional Stick I thought and a great moment to watch. Its nice to see that some things don't change. It also means I have time to meet people. One day I was sitting in yoyogi park placing my guitar under a tree, improvising something in DADGAE and watching the crows bath themselves in the man made pond when a guy with a guitar appeared next to me. I shall call him Jazz Man as I’m useless with names and he played Jazz Guitar. He asked if it was my composition and I said yes, he then sat with me and we played together for a while until we got too cold. We then spent the next hour or so walking back and forth round the park with a hot bottle of tea from a vending machine just talking about our lives. He was taking time out of working as a salary man because of vein troubles and spent his days practicing his jazz guitar in the park (he had to take time out of Salsa Dancing though because of his sickness) He then offered to take me to see a Tokyo Sight, near by which turned out to be a large pedestrian crossing where hundreds of people crossed at the same time. I found it quite amusing actually, another great place to watch people. He then took me out to dinner and I tried cheese-motchi tempura and sweet-corn tempura. We parted ways a little lighter in our hearts for having met another bright soul on a lonely day.

As I said before the money-mind of Tokyo disturbed me a lot, it has been a great challenge for me since leaving home to realizing that I have no control over where my money goes when im traveling. In Bristol I know where the local produce can be bought, where the organic shops and cafes are and where the indipendant companies can be found. However when everything is different and even the alphabet cant be understood you begin to have to let yourself shop in seven 11 and super markets, and you find yourself becoming tempted to go into Starbucks just because your so damn cold and you need a hot drink. I think park of my homesickness came from a desire to be able to spend my money in a positive and wholesome way, a way which nurtured my heart and soul rather than making it feel sad and sick. However on the flip side of it I’ve also been given the opportunity to experience the giving nature and conscious minds of the Japanese people first hand. On Manamis birthday we went to a flee market and set up a little shop and the kindness of people spending money on my shop because they want to support what I am doing blew me away. They saw something which they believed in and didn't think twice about putting money towards that, which to me in inspiring and often I see people talking support for things but rarely putting their hands into their pockets for the cause without being asked to. But here I was not asking anybody, in fact one person I was trying to give him a gift and he insisted on playing me the equivalent of $30 for it.

The biggest lesson Tokyo has taught me is about Giving. Manami, her Obachan, her Cousin, her Mum, All her friends and strangers I have met in the street have all reminded me how important it is to be giving at every opportunity. It reminds me to give no matter how low I am in spirit, or money, keep giving smiles, hugs, money, food, anything I have to give and this can be my way of helping the world. Perhaps even others would find inspiration to give from seeing it like I have from seeing it in all those who have given to me. The Key with giving is once I have given it I do not miss what I gave, or regret it, once its gone from me its gone. However if I do not give when I have the opportunity then often I think after about how I could have given and I didn't. Manamis friend Rudy was telling a story of how a homeless guy lived on the streets hear Rudy’s house. He has a set-up of a make shift tent and stove. Often Rudy would walk past and think of how he wanted to leave a snickers bar out for the guy by his stove but he never did. Then recently he walked past and the guys tent and stuff was all burnt out, an ashen reminder of his life. Out the front someone had placed a simple Brick and on top of it A vase with a lily and a glass of Saki (this is Traditional to do on graves as a sign of respect). Remembering the snickers bar he never left Rudy went home and got one and placed it upon the makeshift grave stone. .. it made me realize if I don't give today then perhaps tomorrow there might be no one to give to.

So In Kobe I spend one night at a hostel as I could not find a couchsurfer in the area and then I board a ship to China. My excitement is building more now. Im going to meet a guy in Tienjin that came into the Canteen during my last week at work, he was a customer and told me he lived in china and if I was passing to drop by… so that's what im going to do. After that perhaps I will go and look for the Chinese Pyramids before heading south to Yunnan Prpvence and then into Laos. Of course it could all change any minute but I’ve given up worrying about if I “do it” or not… I’d rather just do what feels right and if I end up going back to the uk within a month or so then that's fine. Theres also talk of seeing a few of the Tribe out and about, A girl I met traveling in spain and Portugal 4 years ago is currently in Laos and heading to china and Claire has been thinking of coming out to meet me. Also Michael Lokko is in Koh Pangnan and Shanti is heading there too next month and I’ve got a feeling more of the family are lurking in that area, or will be over the next few months.

So to round up;
Japan is officially the bizarrest place I have ever been. The differences I have seen here in landscape, mind set and social ettiquete have been like chalk and cheese, from the laid back, back to nature hippies of Yakushima with Ancient forrest, typhoons and mountains, to the bustling heart of Tokyo’s high rise concrete worlds where shops are layered on top of each other, no one stops to say sorry when they hit you in the street and everyone is rushing, even if they don't need to be. I have, a few times, actually had to stop myself running to catch a train at platform and remind myself I have all day and nothing to do and there will be another train due in in 3 minutes time. The “rush” mindset in infectious. Then somewhere in between these two is the sub urbs and rural towns set aside lush green bamboo covered mountains which jut up out of the dead flat landscape (so reminiscent of the zen gardens of raked sand and large rocks) where one minute you can be in a seven 11 buying sushi and then next up a mountain side praying at a shrine along side spiders and praying mantis. A country where girls can wear skirts which barely cover their knickers without a blink but when I bare my shoulders I am looked at as if I must be insane. Where Salary men in smart suits and leather shoes, hair raked back and slicked into place pass women old and young in the street in their traditional kimono and tatami mat sandals. Where Fox Tails are fashion accessories and mink hides can be bought in the local craft store (no joke) and yet its normal practice to visit a shine or temple to pray to the spirits of the land for luck, good grades, wealth, and love. A land of deep set Traditions and Ancient ways juxtaposed with the most up to date of technology, even in places where one really does not need high technology (for example the toilets). However it have given to me, constantly given and been open. I’ve hitch hiked hundreds of miles across it and met only smiling faces. In my low moments the spirits of this land have looked after me, given me friends, or shown me my loneliness and let me grow with it. I have prayed at shrines and temples, hugged and climbed 3000 year old trees, met banyan trees, cinnamon trees and Camphor Trees and stroked wild deer.

Thanks Japan.

From here on in China there will be no facebook so if you want to receive blog updates send me your email address, mine is catchingapples@yahoo.co.uk or keep your eyes open to http://landandseajourney.blogspot.com

Love and light and blessing to all of you. I love you so so so much.

Sunday 12 December 2010

Part 13 – Kyoto highs, Tokyo blues. Fire Spinning and Fox Tails.







Today I collected my Chinese visa, I stood in the embasy with my passport in my hand after my early rise to get there in time and a train ride with more people than is healthy to put in one carriage, pressed against the smelly suit wearing body of Japan. I sat down. Opened my passport and looked at the visa, 30 days in china… and no excitement bubbled up in me. No sence of adventure. No thrill or wonder or desire… infact I felt a little depressed about the whole idea to be honest. Today I just wanted to be at home. To be walking through the laines in Brighton, or sitting around a morning fire at coed, or traveling to some gig to watch mike play in Bristol…. Or merely just lying in bed, on Chaplin road. I stuffed my passport in my bag and headed of to find solace in the only space of open green I know in Tokyo, yoyogi park.



Its been a hell of a ride these past few weeks, since vipassana and leaving Kyoto. Vipassana left me with a slight sense of disappointment about myself, making excuses, celestial reasons for why I wasn't supposed to finish the course, after all everything is perfect as it happens right? When really excuses is all they were and deep inside I just felt a little bit like perhaps Im not “spiritual” enough, or worse perhaps I am and its just im too weak to go through the pains and trials of it all. Perhaps all and none of the above are true, but one things for sure, I was happy to not be in vipassana but left wit ha reoccurring migraine and a desire to be around familiarity. I thought to myself “when I get to Tokyo and I am with Manami it will all be fine, because I know Manami.” forgetting that we having seen each other for 4 years and we only spent a week or two together when we did meet. Back then a week or so was long enough to feel I had a great connection with someone; a life long friend, and in some ways its true. But since then I have made such long term bonds and friendships with people that I understand the familiarity of an old friend. Which is a blessing and a curse all at the same time it seems haha.



My hitching time in Japan had come to and end, I could recognize the loneliness in me growing and felt that perhaps the side of a highway in the colder more northern parts of japan in late November was perhaps not the right place for me. I had a few days left in Kyoto before my re-arranged bus ticket was due to take me to Saitama (just north of Tokyo) and I planned to try to enjoy my Kyoto time. I spent a few days browsing temples (trying to not be bothered by the herds of Japanese tourists and a migraine) and sitting by the riverside playing guitar. I have grown a love for sitting and watching the herons here, such a nice change from the loutish swans of the Thames.



On my second to last day I had a pretty down day, feeling the loneliness creeping in I found my first cafÈ sit in since getting to japan, ordered some “happy tea” thinking Amy would be proud of me with the irony of it and drowned my misery in warm herby water. After wallowing for a while, feeling my pain and sadness and watching my habbits repeat themselves I decided to pick myself up and go and do something creative at least. I headed to a local busy metro station with the intention to busk.



On my way I came across a blanket covered in hemp jewellery and crochet goodies and next to it sat a Japanese Guy crocheting an Ipod cover. I smiled and sat down with him and we got chatting, it felt good to meet someone on a similar level to me (quite literally as we were both now ground height and everyone else walk up above us walking past) and his English was good enough to have some form of conversation. After a short jam with my xaphoon and his clicky clacky African balls (that's not their technical name Im sure) I headed off with a little skip in my heart. Tribe. I felt the Tribe in a faint and glittering way.



I risked going down into the subway underpass to busk (even though everyone told me it wasn't a good idea as I would be moved) and set up with my little sign that my couch surfing host had translated for me saying “I am from England, I am traveling around the world with no aeroplane. Donations are very much appreciated thank you very much.” And began to play. I have a limited number of busking friendly songs and so rarely do well with busking but when it works it works and that day was an amazing day. The people of Kyoto saw my lonely soul and also saw the shining love and joy I was pouring out for them and for memories of all the people back home “carrying on your songs in my smile” I truly was. I filled myself with the sensation I get when dancing to the music of my friends in England, and with that in my heart I sang and I played. And people stopped. And people gave. And people smiled. And people complimented me on my voice. And people gave me scones and onion bread. And people asked if I would be back there again tomorrow. People even rode the escalator twice just to come back and give me money or listen to me sing.

Within under 2 hours I had one scone, one onion bread and about 50 pounds. I gave thanks as I packed up my guitar and headed back to share my tasty goodies with my new friend Jun. Then we sat and he taught me a whole new way of crocheting with a special double ended hook, and even gifted me with a hook as I was saying my good byes at the end of the night. I rode the bus back to Brian and Cindys house warm in my heart.



The next day I had a slow start and took my time packing everything up ready for my bus that evening. It was leaving at 11pm and I would ride all night until we reached Tokyo and Saitama in the morning. Once I had collected my things and said my thank yous and goodbyes to Brian and Cindy I headed of to the little shop that had been stocking my jewellery. The lady there was such a kind girl, and we got on really well despite both of us struggling with the language. None of my jewellery had sold, though I didn't mind but I could see she felt bad about it and she bought a piece herself as a way of showing her support (and because she liked it of course). I headed back towards the metro station to see if I could wile some time away busking or chatting to Jun but as I headed in that direction I felt a strong pull towards the shopping mall (which I had not ventured into yet as I have little desire to buy anything especially at the prices in Japan) so I took a detour through it and found myself standing outside an instrument shop, full of djembes, thumb piano, didgerydoos, different kinds of tibettan and Indian bells and shakers.



As I walked in two guys were playing the thumb pianos (I cant even begin to spell the correct name for this instrument so im going to have to stick with thumb piano, sorry) and playing the most beautiful duet. One guy behind the counter the other, a geijin, was on my side of the counter. It was so beautiful I just stopped and watched then until they had finished. I got chatting with them and the Geijin was French and his name is Matieu. He said he wanted to hear my music and knowing he and I had some cosmic business to attend to we wondered off into the night, chatting and laughing and sharing tales and pains. His English seemed about as limited as my French and I tried my best to keep the conversation going in only French pretty much the whole time, and he tried his best to understand. …after about 5 minutes he remembered he had forgotten his bike and ran back to get it and joined me again.



I felt the fire of a connection rise in me. It felt so good to speak to someone who shared similar thoughts to me, though his were now slightly jaded from years of living in Kyoto city. We passed Jun and stopped to say hi, Matieu, being a local busker, also knew Jun and we stood opn the corner cluttering the street for a while before we headed off to my busking spot.

Matieu seemed impressed that I would risk busking where I did and said that he was supprised I hadn’t been moved the day before. He sat and watched me as I sang. Feeling a mans eyes watching me as I shone my love out to the world was quite unnerving and I would often break out mid song in hysterics of laughter, blushing and stumbling about myself. It was an innocent friendship of fascination, two souls who in their own way were feeling a little jaded by their place and life and the giant hands of the universe had knocked us together for a quick evening of remembering the light that exists.

I made another 40 pound or so in about an hour and we headed off to share chocolate and a beer (unlike me but it felt appropriate at the time) by the riverside and he played me more music on the beautiful instrument he had. He taught others to play and busked for a job and so sang me magical songs from Zimbabwe as the cold came in closer and I wrapped my blanket around myself. He talked of how he used to believe in love and used to give love out to the people of the city but now can only see the bad side of it all, and I talked of how when I am down something always gives me a sign to remind me of how wonderful people can be…and how every single person who was past me in unique and inspiring and can teach me so much. After my days of loneliness this is what I needed to remind myself, and I guess because of the situation that he was there because he needed to remind himself of something too.



As we began to get our stuff together and head back to our separate worlds I heard a voice call “fleassy!” and it was my friend from the shop! She had come this way remembering me saying I would be playing music and had spotted us by the river. She was wearing the pendant she had bought from me. We joined her in a walk to her friends shop where we sampled copious amounts of locally made sweeties in all flavours and colours. Her friend spoke French and in a multitude of languages we frolicked about in the sugary haven for a while but all too soon it was time for us to all part ways. We waved good bye to the girls and Matieu and I walked to the end of the street together. I said to him “hey if you fancy a break from japan I might be in china for the next few months, you could pop by for a visit, and then ill be travelling into south east Asia if you need an adventure”, “I wont be doing that” he said a little timidly “im married to a Japanese woman”, “ok, well let me know if you go back to France and we can meet up maybe” and with that our stories split, he went into his next chapter, and I into mine.



Tokyo.



An all night bus ride up from the old city of Japan to a crazy land of skyscrapers and hostess bars. Im still learning to love Tokyo. Ive been here a week and we are still having teething problems.



I arrived at the bus station at 7am, unslept and wobbly. I was unsure as to weather Manami would meet me when I got there or not and as I didn't find her around the station I tried to call her phone. It rang onto answering machine so I presumed she was a work. The world I arrived in truly was a concrete jungle, an industrial suburb of Tokyo..that world which doesn’t seem to have houses or shops… just some weird thing in between the two. After a slow adjustment and a hot cup of milky tea in a coffee shop I took the train to the next big station and looked for a green space, as usual in Japanese cities I found it in the ;and of a temple and spent a few hours walking and playing guitar (though not at the same time). Then I found an internet cafÈ in order to contact Manami. By now it was 1 in the afternoon and I entered this internet world completely unprepared for what I would find.

This is the kind of internet cafÈ where you get your own private booth with ha lock on the door, a tv and dvd play and they even provide a neat packet of tissues in each cubicle, don't get me wrong it was clean...just a little be too clean if you get what I mean. It turns out all the internet caffe’s round ehre are like that and you get free hot and cold drinks with your time online and sometimes you can even spend the whole night there for a discount price and showers are provided too… Shame it costs about 3 pounds for half an hour really. Japan is a strange strange place.



Anyway I had a message from Manami and turns out she wasn't working we just missed each other so I rang her again and she came to meet me. I was so nervous to see her again after all these years but she was lovely (of course) and we went back to her place where I met her Obachan (grandmother) who lives down stairs and Obachans small fat little doggy called Luna.



This is my first time meeting an Obachan and they are surprisingly similar to Babushkas… but slightly less rude…slightly. Again another perfect Amy character and I only wish she was here too meet Obachan. She is a spritely and lively woman who likes to play bowls, garden and take onsens. Every other thing she talks about relates to food and she dresses Luna up in little clothes. Now I used to find the dressing of dogs in clothes quite a cruel concept…that was until I saw a dog eagerly step into a leather jacket. Obachan English is worse than my Japanese and on the second day I was here after manami had gone off to work she came up to get me and take me out for lunch.



I went to my first sushi restaurant where you have to actually catch your food as it rolls past you on the plate. Now being a vegetarian in Japan is difficult enough and I have relaxed my eating habbits a lot since being here… being a vegetarian with an Obachan who likes to feed and who doesn't speak English in a sushi restaurant is down right impossible and soon enough I was confronted with for plates of raw fish and a small bowl of soy sauce to dunk it in, and along side it a bowl of “soup” which seemed to consist of water and prawn heads… and not much else. I tucked into the raw fish and left the prawn head soup for Obachan to finish for me. I must admit some of it was very tasty (I do like fish sometimes) but theres only so much raw fish a vegetarian gaijin can eat and soon enough I was franticly gesturing to Obachan that I was full as she was chasing down the next plate. I agreed (after a long process of her pointing to almost everything on the menu just to make sure I didn't want it) finally on a slice of melon to finish me off and soon enough I was waddling out the door. Blessings to her as she not only drove me there and picked all the food but she paid for the whole lot too (plus a bit of egg omlette for Luna who was sulking in the car because we left her behind).



Now as I said Tokyo has been an emotional journey for me full of ups and downs, and incredibly lonely place at times and also a place where I have met many wonderful friendly people. Hanging out with Manami again has been great fun, chatting about memories and life and girly time has been good. However she gets up for work at 6am and doesn't get home until 10 or 11 at night some times so weekdays have become a bit of a long and lonely affair. Getting the train anywhere costs a lot and its not uncommon for me to spend about 20 pounds a days on trains just to get somewhere more exciting than here. so most days I have spent around the house, making things.

Manamis mothers cousin has a shop selling leather bags and she has gifted me with copious amounts of leather scraps and lent me the tools to use and the skills to use to make some stuff, so I’ve been working hard making leather bags and bracelets and even a box experimenting with my new skill.



Last weekend we went on an adventure 2 hours away by train where we joined some jugglers and spinners for a fire dancing party, it felt good to be spinning again and I even laid out as little shop and people bought some of my pendants paying for the extravagant weekend ahead. It feels so good to see my pendants around the necks of really lovely people. After the party many of us went to a local onsen and spent the night bathing in hot pools of water. My favourite being a 2am dip in a giant pool of tea, huge tea bags full of a Chinese medicine herb mix that consisted of turmeric, ginger, liquorice, and many other yummy bits and bobs, and if I hadn’t known how many sweaty bodies had been bathing in it I probably would have drunk some too. At 3am after salt saunas and mild acid onsens, Manami and I headed of to a room matted with sleeping maps and full of snoring Obachans to sleep until morning. The next day the remainders of smiling, tired jugglers and spinners all went en mass to a restaurant for breakfast tempura and after goodbyes and hugs Manami and I headed off to the next party. A BBQ in a park where I sat and played didge with some local players for a while until the sun set and our late night weekend was wearing us down. We boarded the train again, sleepy and feet dragging all the way back home.





But the weekdays are lonely and some days are long and slow and I have found myself meeting with my tears more than a few times since being here.



This weekend just passed we had another busy one, Saturday morning we rose early for an onsen experience with Obachan and two of Manamis friends. One of her friends is a shoe maker and filled me with inspiration to want to make my own shoes.

That night I finally got to speak to Mike, the first time since I got back from vipassana. There is no internet at Manamis house and no skype in the internet cafes so it was a rare opportunity and I enjoyed every second of it, even the difficult moments. Its hard when your closest friend (who happens to also be your lover) is the only one you really want to talk to, because they know you like no one else, and they are so far away, and when you do finally talk, because they are your lover and you don't want to seem weak or sad or clingy (don't want to freak them out or upset them) you can not tell then how deeply lonely and sad you are, how much you want to be with them or be somewhere familiar, and yet how that is so also contradictive to the wants of wanting to continue the adventure for the sake of logic and doing it…and I know I could talk to others at home, but when the skype time is so rare…the first person I want to call…is him.



Then yesterday, Sunday, we went to a flee market (though I kept thinking Manami was saying free market because off the Japanese pronunciation of L and R haha) and set up a little shop. Wow what a little selling chatty pixie Manami is. Our stall attracted so many wonderful shining people and faces; numbers were exchanged and pendants and rings sold off to live the rest of their days in Japan. Manami, knowing I am in need of some money at the moment after Jana has rinsed my savings, put in a wonderful effort with people and talked and smiled and translated the stories of each of my pendants to people over and over again. It was beautiful to watch her work, and I wonder why she has to spend her days stuck in an office where she numbs her brain doing menial computer jobs, making herself sick from watching her life fire fade. She deserves to shine like this every day. Everyone does. When we got home from Tokyo we were tired from a hard days work and after enjoying some organic camomile tea and chocolate we went to bed ready for todays early morning.



Like I said, today I went to the Chinese embassy. I spent the first half of the day lying in the park crying and sleeping in the sun, Of course there’s other stories and reasons for me feeling the loneliness and sadness in my heart, ones I don't want to talk about so openly here, new stories fed to me from across the world. Old stories repeating themselves in my head.



I wrote this today (it's the second half of the writing)



“yet today when my loneliness was so strong,

as I lay upon the only piece of earth I could find this story welled up in my tears,

took me to dirt amongst the other autumn leaves,

aided to my rotting just a little more.

Here I fell asleep.

The early winter sun on my back,

crows circle low wondering is perhaps I had decayed enough to taste good…or perhaps keeping watch over me, ensuring my spirit is guided safely to the other world

... as I slept my mind worked hard… I can not remember my last dreamless night,

so I wonder when my brain will rest next as even in sleep it does not leave me in peace..



when I woke I was sick of here, sick of Tokyo sky scrapers, and sardines can trains, sick of hostess bars and signs that say “crepes and bambinos” with pictures of little girls dressed up like hostesses, “juniors” … sick of Japan,

sick of the china I have’nt even seen yet…and ready to fly home.

After all that..

thousands of miles just to turn back because I am sad, alone…



A few days ago after realising how impossible it is to get overland to India (where so many of my friends will be next month) I asked myself the question “if you were in thai land and mike was in indoa, would you fly to meet him?” …my instant answer was “yes” … that moment something changed… was this “no flying” thing a farce.. a romantic whim? Or is the breaking of it to see mike the romantic whime? …both… and if I am prepared to make that flight, why not just fly anywhere? ….why not?…. To save the planet? ….. …to make a point?…. ….. for my ego?

...who knows, probably all of the above and more.. so maybe now I should take rules off myself, I get such an ego kick out of explaining that im travelling without a plane, and that is reason enough to fly… surely…



...get over myself a bit.”



So that was this morning… as I wrote that I rode the train lines back and forth around Tokyo and then went to sit with a guy selling macramÈ who we had met a few days ago. I found a fox tail on the floor (a fashion accessory here I may add…. Makes me feel odd to see them all lined up in shops … but I don't believe in waste and as it was left because it “broke” from the key chain so now I have my own) and found a calm in my heart. Hiro, the guy I was sitting with told me 7 years ago he travelled to Europe from china over land, china to pakinstan, and from Pakistan you can enter India, he said it's a long way, but cheap… I guess I will look into it, why not eh? Though I don't know much about Pakistan’s political situation right now so I’m going to have to do some research.



So here I am in limbo land Japan, having so much fun yet feeling so sad, swinging like a pendulum. Im trying to just ride the waves, im aware when I feel low that I will rise up again soon, and just watching my patterns… but I wonder what’s ahead for me, what choices I will make over then next few months. I haven’t got a clue what the right choice is that's for sure.